Quintessential Sophism

Basic Instincts

2011-08-27T14:55:00.002-05:00

Not too long ago, my brother and I had a conversation about what the current emotion is - basically in the US, but perhaps growing globally. We discussed how in the recent years media, television, pop culture music and many other marketable things were driven by sex. Sex sells, as the motto goes.

Our country (and others) have now become a bit desensitized to the allure of sex, and now it seems like the media is using fear to get their listeners/watchers to engage. Casting about for the worst cases to show on the news, the stock market, the drama of it all.

So, now we are all worried and upset about how things are going in the world. Many would argue that, yes, we should be. Look at all of the pollution, corrupt governments, war, and so called earth changes, etc., etc. What do we have here? Yes, all of these things. How long have these things been going on? What is casting the emotion of fear going to do for us with this?

What is our basic instinct? Is it to follow someone we admire or who other's admire? Are we to put our trust and follow the government? Are we following others because we can't think for ourselves,or are we afraid of derision from our family or friends? Maybe we're just too out of practice or it's too much trouble to sit and muse about an issue or do a little research, or even just look at history and observe. So, we start buying into the fear and drama.

As a child, it's about experiences, but not so much the fear. The instinct is to experience for ourselves. Our caregiver says "don't touch, it's hot". So, what do we do to find out what 'hot' means? A different perspective or opinion can be inspiring, helping us to see beyond the crowd.

Everyone has a choice, in fact lots of them. What are you going to choose?

At the Beach

2011-06-23T14:38:00.002-05:00

We're on vacation in Maine. It's a family house - and our family has been visiting this beach for five generations now. There are lots of memories. Lots of family is going to be here - starting today and through next week. Family from CO, RI, MA, TX and GA. But that's not really why I've been inspired to write.

The inspiration comes from the beach itself. How it changes, and how it stays the same. How i have noticed the wildlife changing slowly, but still abundant. Yesterday, I got to see a hermit crab, who was unfazed by my close observation, as I watched the small creature try to detach a snail almost as large as the shell it inhabited.

I've been able to take time to listen carefully to the surf, to look at shells, to see the glitter of sand, to watch the small gulls paddle the sand to bring up their meal, and I actually went in the water with the boys one day. Yesterday, we had a great white heron in the backyard, wading in the tidal river.

I've also had time to read, and was able to read about UG Krishnamurti- the book of Thought is Dead/Material Spiritualism. An interesting account, some of which i agree with, some i disagree...and interesting mix and a great way to open myself to new ways of approaching life and moments.

It's a beautiful place for introspection and rest.

Leaves

2010-11-21T14:09:00.003-05:00

Trees letting go.
Leaves, falling gently.
Having lost their usefulness to the trees,
Become compost for the earth,
Later to become nutrients for another life.
Matter, energy and love,
Moving through the seasons
Changing form

untitled

2010-06-03T18:20:00.003-05:00

Dappled light wafting through,
Afternoon rays of a long time sun,
The breeze moves the leaves,
Little hands waving their happy greetings
Brings tears of longing to my eyes.

Night of Celebration

2010-05-28T05:47:00.002-05:00

We all lose friends.. we lose them in death, to distance and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on." ~ Amy Marie Walz

Spiritual progress is the ennobling of the soul, within and without" Hazrat Inayat Khan

Over the past several weeks, I have been grappling with the feeling and thought that my life is continuing to take me in a different direction than most of the friends I have had for the past several years. Whether it has to do with time and energy constraints with work, children, family, or just other interests, this feeling is bittersweet. I was left with the thought of how to keep these people in my heart.

Last night, I attended a Night of Celebration at one of my son's schools. It was amazing. It was a wonderful acknowledgement to everyone there, a public ceremony and testament to the growth and development of the students, parents and faculty of the school. It was truly moving to be a part of that moment of sincere and deep holding of space for the growth that had occurred and for future growth.

Here's what they did: the teachers made a booklet for each student - and wrote something about that student that highlighted their growth, the beautiful aspects of their being, and what they had contributed to the group as a whole. One teacher called the student up and read this statement out loud to the group. Also, their friends had written notes of appreciation in the book, for the student to read later. What a wonderful gift it was for me to witness this...and even participate as a parent.

I was reminded of part of the prayer, Salat, ..."Thy Light is in all forms, Thy Love in all beings: in a loving mother, in a kind father, in an innocent child, in a helpful friend, in an inspiring teacher."...
It was truly inspiring for me to see these teachers hold each child in their hearts, acknowledging their best qualities publicly. Most of these children would be moving on to new schools or new teachers. The gift these teachers, administrations and peers gave to each child, ennobling them, was immeasurable.

Watching the children, I could see how uncomfortable it made some of them. They were not used to accepting praise or being acknowledged publicly. It was a special moment.

Elemental Light

2010-03-15T20:50:00.002-05:00

In preparing for the class on meditation and practices with light, I was out on the deck, enjoying a rare sunny moment amidst a week of rain, hail and thunderclouds.

Looking at the sunlight falling on the leaves, I noticed droplets of rainwater tenuously hanging from those small, shiny leaves. When the sunlight illuminated those droplets, they shown brighter than the most brilliantly cut diamonds, rarer still in their deepest beauty of simplicity and essence. Made even more exquisite because of the briefest moment in that state before falling.

Forgiveness, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur

2009-09-20T10:46:00.005-05:00

Yesterday, I went to Rosh Hashanah services with Max and Sam. In the Jewish tradition, Rosh Hashanah, or the New Year, is a time of celebration. Rosh Hashanah coincides with the autumnal equinox, since the Jewish year is based on the lunar calendar. It is a time of harvest, celebration and wishing others a sweet new year. Apples and honey are the symbols of this holiday.

Rosh Hashanah is also the commencement of the time of self evaluation, culminating in a fast and the day of atonement, or Yom Kippur. During this time, Jewish people not only bring sweets to their neighbors and friends to wish them a happy new year, but they also ask forgiveness. Asking forgiveness from the heart, not necessarily receiving forgiveness from those we ask, absolves the seeker in the eyes of the divine.

However, going deeper than that, one may ask forgiveness of others, forgiveness of self, and forgiveness of the divine. Delving deep into one's being to find out where the ties of resistance lay, the ties of unresolved anger, the ties of unresolved expectations, etc., is where I am going during this time of retrospection and introspection. The energy keeping these ties that bind becomes a hindrance on the path of awakening and service. It is my hope that by knocking on the door, and seeking forgiveness in an authentic manner, will help me serve humanity and the Beloved in a way which is more in line with the now than the past.

Forgiveness is based on the past. Of course, we can ask forgiveness for the future missteps, but we wouldn't necessarily be awake to know what those might be. However, asking forgiveness, receiving and accepting that forgiveness is my goal. For how can we truly be absolved if we can't receive and accept forgiveness?

Destiny = Pull of the Future + Choices + Unknown

2009-08-23T19:51:00.003-05:00

On the weekend mornings, I like to muse over my morning coffee. Yesterday, it was about the word Destiny. I've found myself thinking about that lately, as indeed, sometimes it feels like it's just around the corner. Other days, it seems like destiny waits for me someplace in another sometime.

During my musing, I thought about how many times it seems like my dreams have been some type of reflection of my experience in the present. Sometimes the reflection is murky, sometimes clearer. Most of the time in this reality, it's a rather distorted version of the dream. My usual mode of operation is to follow the energy from the dream cum reality and see what it turns out like. I used to be disappointed when it wasn't like the dream, but now, somehow, I am rather relieved. So, I used to think that my Destiny was related to my dream time, and that it was already set and ready to play out.

Now, however, since realizing that the dreaming world is a reflection and most of the time not an accurate one, the concept of Destiny has had to be revisited.

One of the things that I have been thinking about relates responsibility and Destiny.

So, going forward, which is the future, I would say that a good part of Destiny can be linked to being responsible and taking responsibility for the choices made. This includes, too, the decision not to take action. This brings up another point, of I believe a Buddhist thought, of right action. Sometimes right action is no action. Letting things unfold and and observing instead of sticking the thumb in the proverbial pie.

Then, there is the unknown factor in the equation of Destiny. The Unknowns may be reflections of choices, people, places, events, and new information. With these Unknowns, Destiny becomes a constantly changing, morphing event...maybe just the journey of life.

The questions may be asked at this point - is it the Destiny or the Journey? Is it the Journey or how we choose to perceive it? Maybe all of these.

Spiritual Song and Dance and Prayer

2009-05-21T06:41:00.003-05:00

This coming Sunday I'm having people over (you're invited too) for a Universal Worship Service, Dances of Universal Peace and potluck cookout.

The theme for the UWS is Prayer, which is a subject near and dear. Hazrat Inayat Khan has written a lot about prayer, and I've yet to distill some of that information into the time allotted to a "sermon". My focus is going to be on the different types of prayer (asking for something for yourself, asking for something for others, thanksgiving/gratefulness, worship, devotion, etc.).

I've always seen Yoga as a form of body prayer, and most recently have been thoroughly enjoying a local Kirtan group, Bhakti Messenger, as a form of prayer and devotion.

The Dances of Universal Peace is basically dance, chanting/singing, and prayer all combined, and it never ceases to amaze me how much I can give and take during those moments of participation. The amount of healing that is available during prayer and body prayer seems limitless to me.

I'm grateful to have found these expressions of prayer in our community.

The Struggle Within

2009-04-22T06:47:00.002-05:00

In every moment, it seems there is always a choice. Sometimes I make decisions right away when one choice makes itself obvious. Other choices become a struggle.

In the moment, there is no struggle. Usually, for me, the struggle comes when I want to do something, take action, but then question myself for the reason or impetus behind the action. The struggle becomes a question of the future, not the now. The struggle rises within me as I look at the past and wonder what I could do to have a different outcome...so past and future and action/inaction.

I am learning to surrender to what is instead of taking action to make it different. The struggle then becomes surrendering to what is instead of what I think it should be (or should have been/ or should be in the future).

As I observe my own struggle within, I become more of the observer and generally bring myself back into the moment and the struggle abates.

Part of the struggle, too, I believe has to do with forgiveness, but that's the subject of another blog entry.

Time to Write Again

2009-04-03T06:51:00.003-05:00

It's almost time for me to start writing again here. Life has been a process lately, and has kept me from sharing or practicing the writing.

I've been reading a good book, which perhaps has prompted me to start posting again - Melody Beattie's Language of Letting Go. It's been a long time since I read the Co-dependant No More book, and someone recommended the former title to me a few weeks ago. It's been a great reminder in small daily doses. While I was in the bookstore, I opened it to see if I would be hooked in by something there - and what I found was a quote: "Even God Can't Change the Past". Perfect and timely, since I have been grappling with wanting to change what is and what has happened lately, and that resistance has been causing me pain. Learning to let it go and stay in the present moment is the message that keeps coming through this book to me.

flowers to share

2008-08-07T16:23:00.014-05:00

Well, despite my technological ineptitude, I have persevered to recover the pictures of these lovely flowers. The rose was from the Urs of HIK. It stood on my dresser for two weeks before I took the picture, and then sat for another 10 days before it faded. The coneflower is from my small herb/butterfly garden, and the beautiful stargazer lillies and water lilly from Tommy's garden. Enjoy

Lovely Distraction

2008-07-31T07:06:00.003-05:00

Since March i have been involved in a lovely distraction. Last night I tried, unsuccessfully to download pictures and post them here. Alas, I was thwarted by technology. Over the past few months, I have been taking picture of my garden, and also took two beautiful flower pictures from Tommy's garden. I have a picture of a yellow rose that I wanted to post, and a particularly beautiful water lily from Tommy's koi pond.

For the next 10 days, the boys will be with their dad. I have to work, but hopefully I will have a little time to write some of the things that I have been discovering since March. Maybe.

At the moment, though, I have to get ready for work.

Inquiry Into Love via J Krishnamurti

2008-03-09T08:00:00.002-05:00

It has been a couple of weeks since I finished two books by J Krishnamurti, This Light In Oneself and On Relationship. Although Krishnamurti didn't actually write these books himself, they are drawn from excerpts from his teachings and lectures around the world.

My impressions from these books is still unfolding. I tend to digest books, and really can't tell anyone verbatim what it is that was read. It's more like the book becomes part of me or my subconscious. What I did get so far from these books is that most people's perception of themselves the entity they call God, and love, is basically superficial. His argument is that man has created chaos in perpetuating beliefs and associations based on pleasure and selfishness. He points out that man's true nature needs to move towards something beyond this basic emotional plane. In order for man to advance and evolve (and not destroy himself and the earth), he must continually inquire about the true nature of himself and situations with a degree of ruthlessness that I have not encountered elsewhere.

The basic issue of inquiry into what is relationship, what constitutes love, and the outcome of continuing our collective behaviours without a serious inquiry, as left me looking even deeper into myself and my relationships with myself and others. A recent engagement party invitation was turned down because as I was reading this, I was in a place that I couldn't accept and be authentic to myself and celebrate. Although these books and the ideas behind them are important to me, I found myself feeling like something precious had been taken away. The preciousness of celebration and happiness for others, albeit superficial, and the naivete and unknowing being slowly replaced by a desire for the inquiry and journey to absolute truth. However, moving through these emotions, I also found myself wondering if I was judging others instead of looking at them compassionately. Finally, knowing that the only person and associated situations I can inquire into (i.e., motives, thinking, emotions) is myself.

Perhaps, as Krishnamurti suggests, that by deepening the inquiry we will eliminate the personal pain we have by allowing us to understand our motives before we act. In relationships to others, if we recognize our motives (pleasure), desires (self-gratification), etc., perhaps we will be less inclined to label them with the word "love". Perhaps we can find a deeper motive that will guide us through our lives.

Winter Scape

2008-01-21T16:44:00.000-05:00

Saturday it snowed - so much so that we had to cancel the plans for dancing, dessert & more. Oh well, it was a day well spent inside! This is the scene from the back deck.

Dramatized

2007-12-22T08:48:00.000-05:00

I know there is a word, dramatization, which refers to a genre of movies, television, etc. However, I have noticed more and more of people who are afflicted with their daily life drama to the point that they are non-functioning or low-functioning. I have felt myself moving towards this place of pain more than once, and it isn't pretty.

Dramatized. Totally traumatized by the drama is one's life. To reduce the effects of being dramatized, I would suggest the following:

1. Look at yourself. Use witness consciousness to give yourself the bigger picture.

2. Use faith. Understandably, there are those of us who wonder if this does any good, but try it anyways. Creative visualization of a greater power who is there to help share the burden.

3. Think about predetermination. Even if you don't believe in it, perhaps it will let you off the hook of grandly thinking that you have any control over others and their situation.

4. Look for the door or the window. You came in through it, you can go out through it (sometimes).

5. Relax. Einstein got his best thoughts relaxing. He figured out complex mathematical and theoretical problems. You can too.

My own experience with these methods is that they help. Some of them help more in certain situations than others. They may work for you or your friends. Maybe I just needed to remind myself so I can be compassionate towards myself and others as we face the drama that each day seems to bring. Perhaps it's a test to see how we deal with it. Who knows.

I don't think we were put here on earth to suffer anymore than we need to to get to the point where we realize we have so much to be thankful and grateful for. Taking on the suffering of others doesn't really seem to help them or me at all. As an empathetic person, it has taken me awhile to learn to keep my feelings separate from others so that they can go through whatever they need to in order to learn whatever they need to learn. I don't have to go through it with them, and I don't have to fix them.

It's the holidays, enjoy yourself!

The Divine Feminine

2007-10-31T06:42:00.001-05:00

This past Sunday, I organized and facilitated my first Universal Worship Service, with the theme the Divine Feminine. I had participated in a couple of services before, but this was my first one to organize and lead, including a sermon. I spent quite a while researching and communicating with my two friends, Cynthia and Joanna, who helped me with the service. It was a great experience. I really enjoyed the research and preparation tremendously. The sermon turned out more to be a discussion with the people who had come to experience the service. There were about 8 people in the audience, which is actually a good number for a short discussion (I thought). It was slightly daunting to speak on the Divine Feminine to a group of women (and men) who had studied and gone through various classes, workshops, etc. on the subject - priestess processes and Madonna ministry processes. People who have a depth of knowledge on that subject.

Anyways, I received some really nice feedback from the service, and a couple of people said they would like to attend another one when I get ready to do it again. That was such a nice compliment! One of the nicest phenomena I was able to experience was the feeling of detachment from things that might normally bother me to some extent (like someone coming in late, or me making a mistake and being corrected in front of others). Although I was present to these things happening, they did not trigger any kind of emotional or mental response other than "oh, that's happening right now". It was a really nice place to be in - and an ideal that I would like to experience on a more regular basis. It would come in really handy when dealing with my kids, parents, and work!

Fear and Faith

2007-10-03T06:28:00.000-05:00

During the month of September, I did - what I consider - a fair amount of personal spiritual delving. For Labor Day Weekend, I relegated myself to my home and did a 3-day retreat. Last weekend, I spent the greater part of the weekend in a Workshop, entitled The Awakened Healer, with Devi Tide.

Both of these weekends brought me, at different times, to a place of fear. The fear itself, which my personality wanted to fit a situation to, directed me to look at my faith. It was uncomfortable, to say the least. Fear of death, fear of losing something precious to me (fear of attachment), fear of not knowing, and fear of not being able to control, manipulate, or massage the outcome are all things that made up this blockage in my spiritual path. One thing that has emerged from this is knowledge of my faith - or lack thereof.

I believe all kinds of things. Usually based on my own experiences or on those of others I trust. I'm not the kind of person to have unconditional faith. I like to have or see empirical evidence - or at least some experience that may not apply to the general public, but is personally enough to bring me to a point of acceptance. This, I guess, is another topic - the difference between faith and belief. Belief may be the bridge we use to cross the chasm, but faith may be the only vehicle for crossing when there is no bridge.

Through these last two weekends of delving, I have noticed that it would be wise to contemplate faith and see what happens. I was lucky enough to be in the workshop with someone who I felt has faith, and was able, during one of the exercises to "feel in" and get an idea of what that might be. The visualization I get is that of a very large, strong tree, with very deep, strong roots. I was also lucky enough to receive a blessing of faith. Perhaps that will be enough to get it growing.

I Wish You Enough

2007-09-13T19:53:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine sent me an e-mail that touched upon some of the things I have been thinking about and experiencing lately. I wanted to share it here:

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciatethem, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them.

Justice

2007-08-28T19:53:00.000-05:00

Well, there are probably a lot of definitions and ideas out there about what justice means. I've been thinking a little about it today. It seemed like a good, simple title to attempt to comprehend.

First, the concept of justice. At the moment, it means to me that things are equitable. People do work and earn compensation. It sounds good, but then again, so does democracy, but does it really exist or work or is it an ideal that we work towards? With war, the justice lays with the "winner" of the combat. But is that really the truth? Is justice available to groups or just individuals.

Sometimes, I look at the world around me, and my personal space, and wonder where the justice is? Is this something we create? Is there justice found in some other realm? Maybe i have too many questions????

Right now, Atlanta's news has been focused on fashion. Yep, the most newsworthy stuff, on a daily basis, is how to outlaw men's underwear showing in public. My boss said that should include bra straps, too. Justice, in this case, is making laws to support a group's specific desire on fashion. Is this what the justice department was created for?

On the inner planes of our selves, does justice exist there? Perhaps if we get to a state of detachment and utter calm because we have worked hard at getting there. Just desserts. There's a prize at the end of the day. It's not guaranteed, though. So, perhaps in this instance, justice becomes another state that is dependent upon the whim of fate, or grace.

Back to School Blues

2007-08-06T20:50:00.000-05:00

Here in the South, the kids go back to school in mid August. My boys, for instance, start back on Monday.

I could say that I am ready for all of that. We have done our shopping, gotten most everything the school has requested in terms of paper, pens, pencils, and other obligatory supplies. However, I don't feel ready for the stress, schedule, and rather unceremonious advent of school. This summer may have been one of the most relaxing for me. Truthfully, there have been times of stress and duress, but overall, there have been plentiful good times with friends, family, and nature that I have truly enjoyed.

Back to school means that we will get up earlier, there are more deadlines to meet, tests to take, and general obligations to fulfill. Some of these are superfluous. They are fillers, made to increase the business of children so there is little time left for imagination. Who decided that an hour and a half of homework each night in grade school is necessary? I certainly have a different attitude, and hopefully will find a middle school and/or high school which mirrors that for my children next year.

In the meantime, I am hoping that the summer extends beyond the imminent commencement, and we continue to enjoy sultry nights with fireflies, warm afternoons by the pool, and generally keep the relaxed attitude that summer has afforded us this year.

Ordination

2007-07-20T17:52:00.000-05:00

About two weeks ago, I was ordained as a Cherag. My guide, Musawwir and his wife, Majida, drove me to The Abode, so that I could receive the ordination from Pir Zia. I also was able to meet Rabia, who had been my reader through the last half of the 2 1/2 year home study that this entailed. As a Cherag, I will be able to hold a Universal Worship Service, which I have been practicing at home. There may also be the opportunities to hold other ceremonies like weddings, baby namings, house blessings, and funerals. Here are a couple of pictures from the ceremony.

Turtle Mania

2007-07-10T16:23:00.000-05:00

I have quite a bit of news to share - but the news that's going on right now- is that there is a nesting turtle in my front yard. I came home this afternoon to find this diligently digging female. She let me get close enough to take these pictures. When I tried to get more shots, she hissed, so I'd best leave her alone so she can finish her nest in peace. This is definately the excitement of the day!

What's New?

2007-06-02T07:39:00.000-05:00

My new passions lately are gardening and cleaning in anticipation of more gardening and relaxation.

Our house has a greenhouse attached, which has gone unused for many years. I just didn't have the time, energy or interest to do anything with it. A few years ago, we had to repair it, since some large tree limbs came crashing down onto it. Now, some of the glass panes are replaced with plexiglas. They don't fit as well, but most of the time, they do the job.

Lately, I have been spending my time picking up the broken glass from inside (and a little outside) of the greenhouse, and cleaning it - getting ready to do some planting and growing. My friend, Joanna, found a greenhouse and garden guy - which i have visited and hired, too. The greenhouse guy has a passion for ethnobotanicals. You can see some of his offerings here. The garden guy, Jim, specializes in butterfly gardens. My interest in herbal remedies and my desire to expand the herb garden coincides with Jim's passion of creating gardens for drunken insects (butterflies). I get so happy when i look around my new expanded garden and see the purple cornflowers (echinacea) in bloom, as well as blooms on the St. John's Wort, Sage, and the impending blooms on the Calendula plants. Then, there are a couple of heirloom tomatoes, peppers & an eggplant plant that i watch with anticipation.

From the greenhouse, I've acquired a patchouli plant, rose geranium, special sage, sweet grass, angel wing begonia, and other interesting plants that i wouldn't normally find at Lowe's or Home Depot.

The other passion is right next to the greenhouse. My "office", and workroom - which is the only room in the house that isn't finished. I've decided to make it more welcoming on a shoestring budget. So far, I've used old sheets to make a makeshift ceiling (no pun intended). I've acquired a sweet full size futon/couch from Craig's List for $35 - which is just the perfect size for the room. I've been cleaning, and moved my jewelry bench to one side of the room, taken down the pegboards and old shelves (put those up on freecycle so someone else can use them), and am generally cleaning and sprucing up the place! It's exciting. It's like reclaiming or finding something I've had all along, but didn't see the possibilities.

Mother's Day

2007-05-13T19:38:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I wish my kids came with operating manuals. It's mother's day and i wish i could write something in the vein of Erma Bombeck, and make everyone laugh at life's obsurdities. Especially the kids.

How easy it is for me to forget what's it's like to be a kid... Then, I wouldn't feel the need to have an operating manual for mine!

Mothers Day is much like every other holiday, too - loaded with expectations and hallmark-ish societal 'norms'. Luckily, my kids won't go for that. It's always interesting, too. My reactions to the day's chaotic events are much less than "motherly". Even after studying divine mothers, divine feminine, and tapping into Quan Yin, Mary, and other notable archetypal feminine energies, i find myself in the less than enviable position of being more like a truck driver without the wheels. Oh well...as I once said - these are the best zen masters i will ever have. I hope i learn before they grow up!

Mediocrity

2007-04-15T16:02:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when I have too much time to think, I wonder what type of person I am going to be. The most fear I have is that I won't make enough of a difference; that my life will be a reflection of the mediocrity that our society creates, instead of the majesty of nature.

I would choose to be a reflection of the majesty and creativity of nature instead of the middle-of-the-road constructions of our current society. To this end, I am hoping to spend some time in the garden this spring and summer. I'd rather eat plain, beautiful organic veggies instead of the stuff from the fast food places that my children prefer.

Fighting the feelings of mediocrity in other aspects of my life can wear me down. I'd like to think that I have enough energy to raise children who are above the throngs who thrive on mediocrity. Setting an example doesn't seem to cut it. Peer pressure and societal pressure is rampant. In recent articles and news items, parents, and mothers in particular, are being singled out as being responsible for their children's behaviour, diet, and exercise. In one case, social services was threatening to take the child into custody because they didn't think the mother was feeding the child a diet that was healthy and appropriate. Do they point the figure at themselves for supporting a society that has fast food restaurants on every corner? Sometimes I look at my situation and feel that there's only so much one can do. Surrendering to what is doesn't seem appropriate. Pushing for change can be exhausting. As with my spiritual endeavors, perhaps keeping an ideal, or goal in mind is a good answer.

Finding a balance is where I hope to be and stay.

The Golden Thread

2007-03-29T20:07:00.000-05:00

After searching through the grey ash that took my view of life, I found something that i could hold onto. The visualization was that of a golden thread. Everything else was grey ash.

From what I understand of my experience - which isn't total yet - is that the golden thread represents intrinsic truth. The rest is not important or completely true or false. The golden thread is what runs through everything. Perhaps it parallels the term "the golden mean", which is an actual mathematical formula that is present in all things.

Sensing that there was this golden thread has helped me to recover from the depths of a perception that nothing i could do would make a difference. The idea and visualization of the golden thread provided me with something to look at that was beautiful and clearly moving through everything.

Another perception is that there is a lot of information out in the world that is partially true - but not fully. The golden thread is intrinsic truth. It would not have an opposite. However, in the world of duality, there was only the grey ash.

Ash

2007-03-16T17:26:00.000-05:00

It's hard to describe in words the things that have transpired inside me lately. There definitely have been some outside influences - especially with my kids and ex that have challenged my outlook.

There's another aspect of this place i had recently found myself in. It was a sort of internal crisis, which, thankfully, seems to be resolving. I found myself in one of the most foul moods I have ever been in. Beyond anger and frustration, this was deep. The only way I could describe it to my friend, Joanna, was to tell her this:
"...that I feel like I woke up and the rose colored glasses were gone and everything has turned to ash."

When examining why I was feeling this way, I could find no final answer. It became an exercise just to sit with myself and try to let whatever come up surface to be looked at. The pestilence of the world, and how i have found myself fighting it in my own way. The feelings of betrayal, futility, and other more moribund issues surfaced and I was at a point in time when I could let them. Of course, I wanted to blame something or someone. However, perhaps I've done a bit more internal spiritual work to know that that's not necessarily the case. These things are there. What we do as individuals or as a society to move to a more humane life, is up to us.

There is an opinion that what goes on inside is reflected on the outside. Perhaps it happens the other way, too. How we deal with it, perhaps, makes the difference.

Lots of Data

2007-03-05T17:21:00.000-05:00

Here's an interesting short film. I'm not sure where the information came from, but it's worth a gander.

Spiritual Teachers

2007-02-28T20:52:00.000-05:00

I wrote this article a couple of months ago, and submitted it to be published in March's Aquarius magazine, but it didn't get in this month's mag, so here it is...

Teacher, Guru, Leader, Guide.

There are many types of spiritual seekers. You might even see yourself here! Most people want to shop around to see what’s available. Some make the decision to be a “jack of all trades” and invariably become a “master of none.” a spiritual perspective this means that to meander through the various spiritual disciplines and not commit to one, the seeker is relegated to a life devoid of mastery. Some spiritual seekers look for or find themselves in situations in which they are given the opportunity to choose among paths and/or teachers. For the spiritual aspirant, the goal of illumination and mastery can be daunting. The key is to listen to your heart.

My Sufi guide explains the need for the sincere seeker to find a teacher with a story. He likens the spiritual journey to crossing an ocean. In order to cross, you find the your path (your boat), and the teacher (the rudder). Even if you have sails or oars, you will probably end up going in circles without the rudder.

With a teacher, guru, leader, or guide, is one guaranteed to arrive at the goal of enlightenment? Nope. However, from my own personal experience, the interaction between student and guide creates the impetus, strength, and support to potentially take us farther and faster than we could accomplish on our own.

Many self-proclaimed teachers get mired in their own ego-induced state, becoming transparent to those who truly work on their chosen pathway. In fact, there are so many teachers out in the world today that it is surprising the world hasn’t experienced the great awakening that everyone seems to be waiting for.

So, what does the spiritual aspirant do to find the teacher that fits his or her ideal closely enough? Surely, many of you have heard that for every step the seeker takes towards the teacher, the teacher takes ten towards the student? Just keep looking and asking for it, and sooner or later; you will recognize your teacher(s), guide, leader or guru. There are many valid spiritual paths and spiritual teachers, so there is sure to be one for you.

Personally, I prefer to have a teacher who already has experienced being a student. This would mean that the teacher would also currently be or has been a student on their path for an extended period of time. To me, this would hopefully indicate that the guide knows not only how to give spiritual direction, but also knows how to receive it. Even the greatest masters had a teacher and/or guide for extended periods in their lives.

What is the benefit of making a commitment with a teacher? A person who has been a student of a specific spiritual path joins vast history of deep wisdom through their teacher. Although many teachings are given verbally, there seem to be just as many which are given non-verbally. Students and their teachers share experiences together, and a bond is created. This bond will allow the aspirants access to the wisdom of their teacher’s lineage. Many students and teachers have recorded having the experience of receiving energetic transmissions, and other phenomenon. People might consider this nonverbal phenomenon as signs on the pathway to the higher levels of attainment.

How does one recognize their teacher or guide? From my experience, there is an inner knowing, or perhaps an inner radar that pulls us towards the person who will offer us what we are looking for - as long as we are open and ready to receive. Aspirants who ask for their teacher/guide to appear are advised to be aware of who is coming into their lives. Be awake enough to recognize who and what is actually in front of you when they appear. My Sufi guide, in his wise ways, explained to me once that sometimes it takes the universe some time to set up those meetings. So, if you are sincerely seeking, want to get to your ideal goal as quickly as possible, and are not afraid of doing the work asked of you, you might consider asking the universe for your teacher, guide, leader, or guru today.

Tuning The Heart

2007-02-25T11:22:00.000-05:00

Here's something of interest. It's a copy of the flyer of the workshop we're having in two weeks....

Tuning the Heart
A One Day Workshop
with Majida & Musawwir Gowins
March 10, 2007 - 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.

"My heart has become an ocean, Beloved, since Thou hast poured Thy love into it."
Pir O Murshid Inayat Khan

The Heart is the core of our being. It is where our pure desires rise from and is the source of spirit. This one day workshop on Tuning the Heart is designed to enhance, challenge and awaken our deep rooted desire to truly know ourselves. Tuning the heart is a process of accessing our inner truth. It gives us reassurance and security and the joy of knowing that we truly do have purpose in this complex life. Spending a day learning to access, honor and caress the heart with love can be one of our lives more meaningful experiences.
We will work with our breath, focusing the breath energy on the heart. We will also work with our hands, learning techniques to massage and enable the heart energy. We will use practices of light as well as cosmic and celestial energies to enhance and ennoble the heart's core. We will focus on the heart with warmth and compassion to soften the structures that cause the heart to harden. Finally we will address our deepest questions, asking ourselves what the heart really means and how do we understand our pure desires.

"The human heart is the home of the soul, and upon this home the comfort and power of the soul depend." Pir O Murshid Inayat Khan

To nurture and cultivate the heart means that you are creating a home for your soul that allows it to shine like a sun.

Musawwir & Majida Gowins are long time teachers of Sufism. They are the founders of Inner Voice, a center for Sufi studies located in Yonkers, NY. They are accomplished spiritual guides. They are both certified retreat guides, ministers in the Universal Worship and healing conductors. Majida is a teacher in the Raphaelite Work, an energy healing modality.
Musawwir's book, "The Sovereign Soul" was recently published by New Paradigm Books

Saturday Workshop Fee - $60 per person, at Labyrinth Centre, 1216 Franklin Rd., Marietta, GA 30067
Saturday Evening Zikr - 7:30 – 9:30 p.m. - $10 - at Labyrinth Centre
Sunday Universal Worship Service 10:30 – 12:00 – love donation – location TBA
Brunch and Gathering 12:00 – 2:00 – love donation – location TBA
Individual Sessions Available Sunday Afternoon

Please contact Muhasaba Molly Wender at 404-256-1853 or MollyyWender@bellsouth.net for more information and to reserve your space.

Anger

2007-02-16T19:02:00.000-05:00

Lately, I have been overwhelmed by the goings on in my life.

There has been a lot of anger in my feelings, and I have been having an interesting time processing it all. Part of me wants to figure out why I am having these intense feelings. Mostly, though, I found myself just observing those feelings as best as I can - using an approach used in Sufism and Ipsalu tantra - of switching my attention to being the observer. In other words, I observe myself feeling angry. This works to help me get out of whatever place I'm in. A sort of detachment and different perspective begin to form alongside the anger.

Anger, in general, is really not a very socially acceptable emotion in our culture. When I was a child (over 3 or so, I guess), it was deemed inappropriate to "act out" emotions that were considered negative. We didn't talk about anger, we didn't raise our voices, we didn't hit, scream or anything. I remember being asked to redirect my energy into something more "positive", like sweeping the walk or pulling weeds.
That type of activity might prove to help put overt anger on simmer, but the core of what the anger was rising from never got addressed or expressed.

Lately, when looking at the issues and accompanying emotions, I feel that meditation seems to be the most productive way for me to see what might be causing the emotional disturbance. The anger I was feeling seemed righteous, and when I sat with it and really paid attention to it, the visualization I was able to perceive, was it oozing out of me. Almost like a wound that lets out the bad puss and then perhaps can heal. Meditation and observation was a very nice way for me to give myself space, not alienate my friends and family too much, and sit with my emotions and give myself permission to look and feel what was going on. I also screamed into the pillow a couple of times. Last weekend, I burned a lot of brush in the yard, and consciously threw some of my frustration into the fire. This process, which I'm trying to express in words now, took about two weeks.

Fortunately, most of the anger has passed, but what has taken it's place is a sense of emptiness and perhaps detachment from hope that something or someone is going to appear to make it all better. I've come to the conclusion that the only one who can make the changes or choices - at least the changes and choices that can be made - is me. Some things are beyond my control. Yes, the sense of destiny is strong within me, but I don't want to succumb to the thought or belief that the decisions I am able to make don't make a difference. I believe that they do make a difference, so I am striving to make the best decisions I can based on the information I have at the time.

I can be an impulsive person (aries venus), and I have learned to be more patient - especially when I can recognize that my emotions are coloring my perspective. I need to give myself time to recognize that things happen for different reasons - and I don't have to make decisions right away...there is usually a window of time to look at options.

That's quite a diversion from the anger subject. But maybe anger in time and with patience turns into something quite bittersweet. For me, it has become another stepping stone to maturity.

Max's Bar Mitzvah

2007-01-30T15:21:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, we celebrated Max's coming of age in the Jewish tradition. A Bar Mitzvah. The planning of this weekend was done over the last 9 years, since Max started learning about the Jewish faith, history, and culture at our local synagogues Sunday school class. Last year, while we started preparing for the event, we decided that our old temple was not for us, and went in search of another option.

We were lucky enough to find Shema Israel, and a wonderful teacher who was able to teach Max from the beginning. The ceremony was very nice, and Max was flawless. His portion was Bo - the plagues during Moses's time. Sam, his younger brother, illuminated everyone in the congregation by knowing the different plagues - given the Hebrew words by the rabbi - and told us all what they were. I was a very proud mama. The kiddush after the ceremony was very nice, too.

Later, we had a "kid party" at Dave & Busters to celebrate many years of learning. Max's friends and family were treated to a dinner, billiards, shuffleboard and games in the gameroom. All went fairly smoothly. Whew.

I'll download a picture later.

Shift Happens

2007-01-17T15:25:00.000-05:00

Just as I was starting to write this post, my finger slipped, and low and behold, it published without writing anything. So, everything I am writing now, in this post, happens to be an edit.

I found that interesting and sublimely humorous. What kind of humor is that, eh?

Anyways, I have sat down to write several times over the past few weeks, only to be stymied by the slow computer network, or other virtual bugs. So, today, as I am feeling somewhat serene, it has been easy to log on and write.

This serene feeling has come on the heels of an acerbating week of emotional, physical and spiritual shift. Yes, shift happens.

Max is about to turn 13. Since I converted to Judaism, and agreed to raise any children Jewish, we are getting ready for a bar mitzvah. A coming to age ceremony. Of course, the spiritual and material functions of this is difficult to ascertain. Right now, as the mom, I have certain responsibilities, either agreed upon in advance, or not, that heads us towards the ceremony and festivities afterward. "In a couple of weeks," my son expresses to me, "I will be the man of the house." I just look at him when he says this. I wonder if he'll take out the trash or do something else he considers "manly".

I am finding myself turning inwards, too, eventhough circumstances dictate my physical body do otherwise. I have found some inner peace creating the Tallis which will be my gift to him at his bar mitzvah. The Tallis is a prayer shawl which is made a special way, with symbolism and prayer. It has been an education for me to attempt this piece, and I am about 1/3 of the way finished. If anyone reading this is interested, you can click here to see what I am alluding to.

The days are seemingly blending together now, as I strive to stay present and available for Max and Sam as they are struggling through their shifts.

Holidays

2006-12-22T19:41:00.000-05:00

'Tis the season. Wednesday night i went to an equinox celebration, and last night, we all went to an very nice equinox party, and the kids were out of school today. Whew. It's really just starting, too.

Soon, my siblings will arrive from the different corners of the US. We haven't seen one of my brothers for a year. I'm looking forward to seeing his face when he sees Max, whose sprouted about 6 inches this year.

This is the time of year which is somewhat difficult for me. Holiday and Holydays. They seem to bring out the best and worst in people. I don't know about you readers, but here in Atlanta, especially around my 'hood, people are driving their vehicles like crazy people. The general energy is frenetic at best. And all I really want to do is be still for a little while. Well, actually, a bit more than that. I really like to retreat a little this time of year and reflect upon what's happened over the past year and open up a space inside myself to allow some ideas of new emerging energies or directions for the new year. With the new moon and equinox, it's a good time for letting go and welcoming new.

Here's wishing all of us a peaceful, healthy, abundant holiday season and new year...
Find and follow your bliss.

Happy Holidays, all.

This Morning In My Backyard

2006-12-07T07:30:00.000-05:00

I stand on the ground,
looking up at the waning moon.

Two hawks fly past on silent wings.
The creek's sound fill my ears.

Looking up,
The tree tops sway in greeting,
Their skeletal fingers reaching upward,
Reminding me of what's important.

The same breath moves through all creation.

I remember the whole earth and feel
small and large at the same time.

It's time to fill the bird feeder.

Lodge of the Long Night Moon

2006-12-05T15:17:00.000-05:00

This past Sunday, I participated in a sweat lodge. One of my previous posts, from August 2005, spoke a little about my other experiences with sweat lodges. In this post, I am going to recount my experience from a slightly different perspective.

This was my second sweat with Tom Blue Wolf, of Earth Keepers, as water pourer and host of the lodge. Each of the sweats I participated in are unique and beautiful in their own way, and I am extremely grateful to have been invited to participate in each of them.

In preparation for this particular lodge, I fasted for two days prior to the lodge, and since we didn't emerge until early evening, I was at 70 hours without food before we ate. Also in preparation the week before the lodge, I made prayer ties. Some of the prayers I used were from different traditions, and some where just from the heart or from guidance from meditations. On Sunday, I was able to place the prayer ties I had brought onto the lodge. We then covered the lodge, made the fire, said our prayers, lit the fire, and waited for the grandfathers (rocks) to heat. A little more than two hours later we entered the lodge.

One of the objectives of this sweat for me, besides curiosity, was a basic and thorough cleansing. My personal experience has shown me that this particular method of purification has been transformative and healing in many ways. The other objective, if extremely personal, is that I had already dreamt it and wanted to see how it would be this time around. Experiencing the reality of the dream and the other reality of living it on Sunday, gave me tremendous insight.

From a spiritual perspective, it is one of the most interesting rituals I have ever participated in. The songs and prayers along with the extremely high temperatures tested my endurance and took me to a place of total joy the last time. This time, the lodge took me to a place of clarity and increased personal awareness of who I am. During this lodge, like the previous one, I recognized many of the participants from prior dreaming.

The lodge consisted of four rounds. Each round began with grandfathers coming into the lodge. The first round we sang and each of us said prayers for awakening. The second round, we did the same thing for healing. In the third round of four, I received a vision of a small spider who suspended herself right in front of the middle of my forehead (third eye region). I had seen this the week prior to the sweat in one of my meditations, too. During the final round of the sweat, (and the most difficult round for me because of the heat), we all prayed aloud as one. At one point, words came out of my mouth that I didn't recognize. I found myself responding to or echoing a prayer I was hearing Tom say, and I had reached my limit. Fortunately for me, we were able to end the round shortly thereafter, and receive fresh air.

There have been times in my recapitulation of these lodges where I have found myself slightly embarrassed by my actions or words. This reminds me that the path of enlightenment can also be the path of embarrassment. Finding that I had to end the fourth round seems to be a slightly personal embarrassment. Also, slightly embarrassing (in retrospect) is the way my heart opens and I become more affectionate and less inhibited communicating than I would normally allow myself to be. This might be because I feel familiar with these people, since I've "known" them before from my dreaming. As time passes, I have even more remembrances of my dreams of these people and more of my own 'part' in those dreams.

The lodge and it's unfoldment continued last night and this morning, as I looked out at the full moon, and in my dreams. Coincidentally, this full moon is in Gemini and fell directly on my ascendant (astrologically) early this morning. It was spiritually meaningful to me to be able to be a part of "birthing" this new lodge and full moon.

Thanksgiving and Gratitude

2006-11-21T18:34:00.000-05:00

This week is Thanksgiving holiday. Of course, in our culture, this means lots of things - turkey, family, shopping, football.

Lately, i have been feeling a lot of gratitude. That's good for me. It has been awhile, but for two or three years, I kept a gratitude journal. The gratitude journal was a spiritual exercise of sorts, from Simple Abundance. Basically, the practice involved writing down at least five things a day that i was grateful for. There were days when i would write, but not feel anything i could associate with gratitude, and i was wondering if i was getting anywhere with it. Although it has been a few years since i did this exercise, i have been remembering to be grateful in my prayers at night. Lately, i have been moved to tears because of the gratitude i have felt for friendship, guidance, and experiences. That, to me, is probably the most profound expression of gratitude and thankfulness that i have had.

So, as we move forward into the colder, darker, more introspective part of the year, i hope to keep the light of gratitude and thankfulness burning brightly.

Aquarium Pictures

2006-11-13T07:37:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, the boys and i visited the aquarium. Although we only stayed for an hour, the boys and i took lots of cool pictures. Here are some:

Psychic Pressure

2006-11-10T07:33:00.000-05:00

It's been a few weeks since it started, but i feel like there has been a terrific build-up of psychic pressure and some associated phenomena. I would really appreciate getting some clarity on it, and perhaps writing will help.

I have identified a person who is serving as a catalyst, and wrestling with what to do, if anything, about it. Part of it is my personal desire for intimacy and personal connection. Another part, and perhaps more important to me, is the remembrance of how i want to spend my time here on the planet. This whole scenario has generated a fierce amount of energy in me....spiritual, physical, and mental and strangely enough, not much of the emotional body. A couple of the people i met last weekend commented on the vast amount of light energy they saw around me, so it appears that others are seeing this phenomenon. My dreams have been varied, and although i sleep quite well, there is usually a span of 2 hours in the middle/early morning, when i wake up or go into a yogic type rest.

My understanding of this is that i need to release and let go, and let things resolve themselves naturally. I have thought about communicating this to the person who appears to be the catalyst, but wonder if it is really just my inner work - to do alone. Does anyone have any suggestions or comments?

Open Heart in the Mountains

2006-11-07T17:25:00.000-05:00

This weekend I had a wonderful experience in the North Georgia Mountains. It's hard to tell the difference between falling in love and experiencing an open heart. I think the phenomenon are related, but not always. I don't want to this feeling to end. I fell in love with the land and the people that i met there. It's happened to me twice before, near Asheville, North Carolina. Eventually, my heart goes back to a less expanded place. What I would like to know, and may have the opportunity to experience, is whether or not the heart will stay open if I continue to revisit this place. We'll see. It looks like the possiblity of a new adventure!

Life Choices

2006-11-02T19:16:00.000-05:00

Lately, I have been feeling so much energy in my body. It's been hard to direct it productively and ground myself in order to feel like i usually do. Earth meditation helps. I think until this phase passes, at least 20 minutes a day will be recommended!

It's a rather expanded feeling, but i was noticing it escalating to a point that was not comfortable. I can liken the feeling to watching and feeling my washing machine on the spin cycle today. Yep, my perception that i was spinning very, very quickly - and not necessarily going anywhere with it.

Later, i received information that brought be down to earth rather abruptly, but surprisingly, some part of the energy is staying the same.

The piece that brought me back to earth is rather personal. Something I have been working on for a couple of years. Without going into too much detail, it got me thinking about the choices i have made in my life and how they effect/affect the timing of events in my life.

This said, I continue to wonder what my life would be like if i hadn't made the choices i made. Quite different, i would suppose. Would I be happier? Would I be more financially successful? Perhaps more spiritually advanced?

It's interesting to look at the choices i've made and realize that life sometimes gets in the way of doing things i might otherwise be doing. Then, there's the little option of doing them anyways.

Hmmm.

When Someone Says, "I love you"

2006-10-29T17:11:00.000-05:00

When someone says I love you - I tend to believe them. It is what the deepest part of my being wants to hear. When someone recently said, "I love you" and then followed with, "and I have loved you forever", my innermost being wanted to hear that, too, even more than anything else. I think that's why they said it. Because that it what i was longing to hear.

Then, looking at it for what it is, not knowing the intention behind the words, finds me looking deeper into myself. If the being in front of me is an empty reed, and spirit speaks through them, then I am truly loved.

And when the love in me responds - what happens then? Perhaps the words spiral deeper until truth is found and nothing else exists.

Negative/Neutral/Positive

2006-10-26T17:16:00.000-05:00

Last weekend, I met some wonderful, new people. I was introduced to a Mayan timekeeper, Merrill, who i spent an extended amount of time with last Friday evening, and again on Saturday evening.

It began the week before, when my friend, Elizabeth, announced Merrill was in town. I had the feeling that Merrill had something to tell me, but wasn't sure it was something i really wanted to hear. But, being me, I had to find out.

Well, besides pointing out some wonderful things about the particular mayan calendar that Merrill was working with (the sacred calendar which deals with communities, tools and communication), Merrill asked permission to point out something in my character that was hindering me. I gave him an open door. Merrill gently told me that I used many negatives. It hit me hard, I cried, and i felt myself shift - knowing that what he told me was the truth. I also knew that if i tried and worked at shifting the use of negatives in my speech patterns and thought patterns, my life has the potential to drastically change.

Confronted with a newer, deeper level of examining my thought and speech patterns, i noticed that my mind/thoughts sped up and the flow of thoughts became more apparent. Then, I was noticing what I was thinking about, but also what words I was thinking. Then changing the word patterns became an effort. In a few days, i noticed i was slipping back into the old use of negatives. But having the potential to make a positive change keeps me examining and slowly changing the negatives i use to see if i can come up with different word patterns that might be more appropriate, neutral, or positive.

The opportunity to create more space for potentialities using neutral or positive word and thought patterns is very exciting to me.

A Different News Source

2006-10-22T11:05:00.000-05:00

My brother recently sent me a link to an article on this site. Sad. That was his comment. The state of affairs certainly appears negatively represented. I spent a little time at the bioneers conference yesterday and experienced the same type of emotion. Like preaching to the choir. The best part about the conference was connecting with other caring, like-minded/hearted people.
Here's a link for an alternative news source.

Almost There

2006-10-14T07:57:00.000-05:00

I've been working on my take-home Cherag work for two years now. It has been an interesting journey. For the readers who don't know, a Cherag is a facilitator of the Universal Worship Service, or a "minister" in the Sufi tradition.

Last night, my son made some disparaging comment about the dog eating some of my papers - actually Cherag work that had comments written on it - that i wanted to keep for review. His comment was something like, it's just paper - nothing important. Then, i proceeded to tell him what it was and he became somewhat impressed.

I am almost finished with the take-home study lessons. Just one more section, and I will have completed that part. There is more ahead of me - like getting comfortable facilitating services. Hopefully, not just Worship services, but perhaps others will seek out other Services as well. I wonder sometimes if this is really what i am supposed to be doing. It seems like it has taken a while to complete, and actually, i feel like a know less now than i did before. Actually, i might know more, but it's just like a being a jack of all trades - where i know a little about a lot of different religions and traditions, but am proficient at none. I have slightly more background with traditional christian and jewish traditions, because i have studied them for many years. However, there are parts of me that resonate with the goddess, native/indigenous and Zoroastrian traditions.

One of the musings i've had as i look to complete this work, is whether or not i have the discipline to keep delving in this area. I have felt distracted by my mundane life - my children, my work, my personal life. I feel myself pulling away from part of that in order to complete this project.

My guide, Musawwir, suggested that this is the area (Cherag work) i should focus on, and so i have. However, i still haven't felt my own inner knowing accepting this as my path, or the place where my energy will focus. Perhaps it is a stepping stone of sorts, or a tool for my toolbelt, as i grow into the being i am becoming.

Tao Thought For The Day

2006-09-28T07:22:00.000-05:00

"... Things arise and she lets them come;
things disappear and she lets them go.
She has but doesn't possess,
acts but doesn't expect.
When her work is done, she forgets it.
That is why it lasts forever."

— Lao-Tzu in the Tao Te Ching, translated by Stephen Mitchell

Trust

2006-09-24T10:58:00.000-05:00

Last night, someone (Hey Billy!) said, "why haven't you posted in a long time?" My answer was that I posted yesterday. Just now, however, I was thinking a particular thought that might be worthy of sitting right down, right now, and meandering through.

The thing that was I thinking about actually, was trust. Trust in myself and placing my trust in the process. There's another trust that came up for me this morning, and that was placing trust in my guide - who happens to be a Sufi.

That said, I will give a little background information about my "story" that could prelude to where i am now in my trusting process. I have written previous posts and perhaps alluded to the fact that i was raped as a child. Further along my story line, I was married and was in therapy with my then-husband for many years. During the therapy, he would lie to us (me and the therapist) and I would eventually uncover this and he would apologize, ask for forgiveness and promise not to do it again. This proceeded to last seven years. Eventually, when he said "I Love You" and expected me to believe him, I couldn't. These two abrupt and not-so-abrupt disturbances were the beginning and ending points in my life's journey leading me to consider who to trust.

I didn't really know how to trust myself. I had given away my trust to others and then experienced a state of beyond disappointment. I worked on learning to trust myself. Seriously. I sat with myself and did some visualization, meditations, etc. I also worked with a wonderful women who had studied some of this in a Star Program. That process took a couple of years to accomplish a sense of selfworth and continues today. So began my journey to myself.

Several years ago, about 5 or 6, I met my spiritual guide, Musawwir. One of the things he first asked me was "do you trust me?" Well, I couldn't say no or yes, since I didn't feel I knew exactly what he was asking. I may have said "Yes", although, I did tell him I had to think about the whole thing - which I did for about 4 months before saying "yes" again. Over those years, I have had to learn various stages of trust.

Now, I am learning just to trust the moment. That's not to say that I forget about my responsibilities and work towards balancing my inner and outer life. This just means, that I have had to learn to leave the past behind and open myself up to the future, but not stay looking at the future. I'm practicing staying here, now. In the moment. Sometimes those moments lead to other moments - creating a string of moments.

This, too reminds me of what my old boyfriend, Jim, said to me at one point when we were together - although he was already seeing us apart, I think. Anyways...that was a slight divergence from trust and staying in the moment...Although not really, since the beginning of the thought - Trusting in the process is just where I thought to sit down and write!

A bit convoluted - sorry gentle readers.

Irregardless of all of that - trusting in the process had become a new 'mantra' for me. I think it has to do with my concept of surrendering to what is. This definitely leads me back into "staying in the moment" - again a circular thought pattern.

Enough now, though. I will go ponder as I make jewelry.

Early Saturday Morning

2006-09-23T06:50:00.000-05:00

I haven't written in awhile, and right now, I don't really have any particular topic to write about, but felt the urge to put up another post. I guess I have been rather busy with cleaning up. De-cluttering. The kids and I are getting ready to move - we don't know exactly where, but we are ready for a change.

So far, I've been cleaning out the closets and have given away lots of clothes. This week, I put notices up on Craig's List to sell some old stuff - Sam's old baby dress (now that he has the new dragon one), and their old crib. Yep...moving stuff out of the house.

This weekend, I have houseguests again. It's really wonderful. I spent the night on the futon and have decided that it will probably be going on Craig's List sometime soon too. I think I'd much rather have a sleeper sofa...

Craig's List is a wonderful thing. I found my job there, too. Actually, one of my friends saw the job listing and forwarded it to me. It's been almost a year - I've made it though that shift!

Today, though, I will stay at home and hopefully sell these two items. I'll clean out some more, do some reading and writing, and generally have a quiet day off.

Dragon Dresser

2006-08-23T16:33:00.000-05:00

This is my first attempt at painting furniture.
Max and Sam helped me, using Sam's specifications.

Weekend Frolics

2006-08-22T06:54:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was a wonderful mix of friends, food, and music. A most enjoyable and relaxing weekend!

First, Nate was in town for a workshop, so we got together and tried a new place. New place for me, but been open for a long time. Five Seasons Brewery. It's close to here, and I was in the mood for a cool one. When we arrived, there was a 45 minute wait for a table, so we sidled up to the bar and found two seats right in the corner. Score! The beer was wonderful, dark, nutty, slightly bittersweet, and filling. The food was exceptional for bar food. They have "small plates", so i tried the mixed olives, then a beet salad (with cheese and small greens), and then some calamari with a sweet and spicy dipping sauce. Nate had the fish and chips (trout and homemade French fries). Everything was fabulous.

Saturday was Sam's birthday party. I drove three of his friends up to QZar so they could play laser tag and then brought everyone home. That was an experience - and although somewhat stressful, it was easy to get through.

Saturday night was another enjoyable repass with my friend, Joanna. We tried another restaurant that i had been wanted to try for awhile, Rice in Roswell. It was lovely. Again, when we arrived (early), they asked if we had reservations, and no, we did not. We were able to procure a table on the porch, however, and enjoyed an elegant tai iced tea while we waited for our meal. The first course we shared was a shrimp dish with red onion and fresh ginger. Yummy. Then, our main dishes, which were also good.

Later, we had been invited to listen to some music at a coffee house. The coffee house unceremoniously closed and the venue was moved to Joanna's friend's home. It was lovely. There was a nice group of people who came, a lot of food and drink, and really wonderful music. The first band played a lot of Celtic music - with a bit of a bite. The second band was more classic rock. It was really wonderful, relaxing, and unique. We were on a very large screened in porch and there was a large pond outside. During breaks we walked down and listened to the bull frogs. Very cool.

Sunday, a road trip to Dahlonaga proved to be another great culinary adventure. Although we were looking for properties, we didn't have much luck finding what we were looking for. The Welcome Information Center didn't have a map large enough to show us the roads leading away from the center of town, and we were confused by the road signs. Also, motorcycles abounded - apparently very popular area with the curvey mountainous roads. We stopped at the Crimson Moon Cafe for a late lunch, which was very nice. Also, there was an "open mic" afternoon, and various artists were invited to bring their instruments and play. Again, a wonderful mix of music - mostly bluegrass-ish this time.

All in all, a very welcome weekend. Now, it's back to work.

School's In Session

2006-08-14T06:38:00.000-05:00

Well, today is the first day of school for Max & Sam. Yikes. Early rising now...to catch the bus a bit after 7 a.m.

Back to routine for me too, as i head off to work - back to the everyday routine instead of what the summer allowed me.

I am working on several projects right now, and it has given me a new burst of energy. Of course, some of my older projects are beckoning me to finish them, too. Although sometimes it seems like there isn't time for everything, I seem to be finding more energy and time to do the things i enjoy. That's a good thing.

Projects around the house abound, the jewelry business, the cherag studies, the new furniture painting projects and exercise compete for time, but somehow all create a balance.

Right now, the angst is caused by not knowing. This is something i am getting used to - and i have decided it has become a matter of faith. Usually i know my course. Now, however, there is a sense of floating and preparing. Preparing for what is the angst-creator. Usually i feel or understand the goal (long term), but now, it is shrouded and all i can do it watch it unfold each moment.

The Sovereign Soul

2006-08-08T06:46:00.000-05:00

My friend, Phillip Gowins, is a newly published author. Although he lives in Yonkers, NY, he has agreed to come to Atlanta to visit and conduct a workshop and booksigning.

If any of you avid readers and/or spirituality hounds are looking for something interesting to do to extend your awareness, you might want to check out these events:

Phillip will be conducting a free interactive lecture and booksigning at the Phoenix & Dragon bookstore on Friday, September 8. He will also be conducting a one-day workshop in Marietta the following day, Saturday, September 9. The following is a flyer that we are using to promote the event.

If you just want to order the book, you can do so through Amazon.com.

THE SOVEREIGN SOUL

A WORKSHOP WITH PHILLIP GOWINS

ÂEvery soul is born a king; it is only afterwards that he becomes a slave.Â
Pir-o-Murshid Hazrat Inayat Khan

You are a Sovereign, a King or a Queen, because that is the nature of your perfect soul. The stress and clutter of modern life create tensions and impressions--psychic build-up--that can hide the being of light and joy that you really are.

It doesn't have to be that way.

This workshop is a kind of spiritual house-cleaning. In it, we shed some of the masking clutter to uncover the Sovereign within each one of us. We meditate, visualize, converse, and act as witnesses for one another. We may also sing, chant, or even dance. The basic principles of Sufism, expressed for the Western mind by Pir-o-Murshid Hazrat Inayat Khan and further described by his son and successor, Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan, will help us journey into our own depths to discover and get to know the Sovereign within.

Phillip Gowins, workshop facilitator, is has been a Sufi Representative and Teacher for over 20 years. A long-time student of Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan, He is the co-founder of the Inner Voice Sufi Center in Yonkers, New York. His new book, The Sovereign Soul, is the second volume of Paradigm Press's Newton Series exploring ancient wisdom in the modern world.

Phillip will be at the Phoenix and Dragon bookstore on Friday evening, September 8, 2006, to give a free lecture and to sign his book, The Sovereign Soul.

On Saturday, September 9, this one-day workshop is being offered from 10 am-4 pm at Labyrinth Centre, 1216 Franklin Rd., Marietta, GA 30067. The cost of the workshop is $50. An evening of Zikr and other Sufi practices will be held Saturday evening from 7:30 - 9:30 p.m. at Labyrinth Centre for $10.

Please contact Molly Wender at 404-256-1853 or mollyywender@bellsouth.net for information or to reserve your space at the workshop and/or Zikr.

Failure and Success

2006-08-07T06:58:00.000-05:00

Everyone is faced with both failure and success in this world. In order to find peace, it is important for me to examine each opportunity to learn from each and glean whatever lesson I would - so that perhaps i could learn whatever it is I need to learn, and perhaps new lessons can arise.

This past weekend, I took a road trip with my friend, Joanna. We went out on Saturday morning and picked a general destination of a town about 45 miles outside of Atlanta. We went real estate hunting. We've been talking about moving to the mountains for at least a year, and the time to take some action happened upon us.

Although I knew the time would come to move, it has been very hard for me to look at it as just a move or an opportunity. To me, yesterday, it seems like a failure. Starting to clean out my house brings up memories of the past which I had packed away. Now, reviewing and creating piles of give-aways and throw-aways is forcing me to face the emotions of the past. Keeping a balanced emotional state was impossible.

Perhaps the symbolism and actual action of cleaning and clearing out the linen closet and chest yesterday helped me understand and witness the emotions that I had packed away for a future time that the universe deemed more appropriate. The feelings of a failed marriage loomed over everything. The marriage ended more than seven years ago. The fact that I am making the decision to move is based on many factors, one of which is the inability - or perceived failure - of being able to take care of the house & yard physically and financially on my own. I guess, perhaps, that I thought that someone else would enter the picture to provide the balance of what we needed to keep the house, and repair my sense of failure at marriage. Of course, there is a choice - of getting a better paying fulltime job, but that doesn't solve the other issues surrounding the decision to move, which aren't focused on failure, but on creating what I would consider a less hurried life for me and the children.

So, after an emotionally trying weekend that I am looking back on, I am focusing on the other reasons for moving. I hope that I am learning the lessons that these failures have brought into my awareness. With that behind me, hopefully the joy and excitement of new adventures will propel me onward.

Another Saturday Nite

2006-07-29T18:54:00.000-05:00

It's interesting, when i get the urge to write. Lately, I haven't written much - at least not this week.

The thing I wanted to share, though, was that Max learned to dive today. He's been trying for a number of years to get it right, but yesterday and today - he really got it. I was very happy for him. He persevered. Sam, on the other hand, has been able to dive for a couple of years. It is one of the few things that Sam could do before Max. Max usually outshines his brother - possibly because he is 2 1/2 years older, but also because Max is a good athlete. Sam also knows how to whistle...and I don't think Max can do that yet.

I have a new project. And I feel inspired a bit. We have been redecorating Sam's room for the past few months - and we got to a stopping point awhile back, but now we are back into it. I retrieved an old dresser (used to be one of my brother's), and am sanding it down and am going to repaint it for Sam's room. The dresser he has now is for a child - and he's grown away from that.

Right now, I am in the process of sanding the current paint off - or at least the shiny finish. Then, I will paint a coat of Kilz, and then paint it black - the requested color. Then, I will attempt to paint a dragon onto the dresser. Yep, a new artistic pursuit. This will be practice for a few more pieces that are coming my way. The next project is an Adirondack chair and ottoman - and then after that, if I am still inspired, a crib and dresser that will go to a new home together.

Saturday Nite Special

2006-07-15T19:39:00.000-05:00

Wow, there's some free time tonight, and i guess i haven't posted in a pretty long time. Things have been shifting about lately, and i've found myself in an interesting flux of emotions. Since the kids are with their dad, it makes sense that the universe would provide an opportunity for personal growth.

I sure didn't plan it this time. Last year, i went traveling to find all sorts of opportunities for personal growth. This year, funds were low and i have to work...so the opportunity came knocking at the door. Literally.

It's interesting to mix the spiritual with the physical. No telling what will show up and happen. Relationships, to me, are the biggest challenge. Especially intimate ones when there is so much other "stuff" in my (and other's) lives. How does it all fit together? The best information i've come up with is through my personal writing. Be myself. Respect others being themselves, communicate truthfully, surrender as completely as possible, and perhaps the best outcome will present itself with the least amount of discomfort. Easy to hear and read, although direct experience is where the fire meets the forge.

Thar She Blows!

2006-07-01T19:56:00.000-05:00

Home Again

2006-06-29T20:05:00.000-05:00

The kids and i just returned from an almost two week vacation at the beach in Maine. We lucked out and had great weather most of the time, so we all have savage tans - even with the SPF 30 slathered on every day.

We've been going to the same beach for all our lives - my great grandmother used to live there - so many generations. Luckily, the beach changes very slowly. It's about 3 miles long and only residential and a couple of bed and breakfasts and one "corner store". The water was unseasonably warm - sometimes up to 78! I went in several times and played and rode waves one day. Most of the time, though, i walked the beach - combing for specific shells and sand dollars.

On Summer Solstice, we went on a whale watch. Cool! I will download my pictures soon - and hopefully one will come out. After about two hours out to sea, we saw Minke, Finback and Humpback whales. The finback were large and i caught a couple of pictures of the fin. We saw one, then another. We went a little further in another direction and all of the sudden we were in whale city! Minkes on one side, 2 finbacks in our wake, and a couple more up front and then a couple of humpbacks. Very cool. We got to see the humpback tails flip up before they dove deep...but unfortunately, i took the picture of the shy one that didn't do the tail flip before diving. Later that evening, i took my new native flute out to the beach by the ocean and played for awhile as the sun set. The sky was one of the most beautiful i had ever seen - with layers of colors, pink, blues, and purples.

The flight home was a bit dicey, as we were traveling for over 12 hours...Because of bad weather in DC. We sat on the tarmac there for over 2 1/2 hours - and i was so pleased that the boys were so well behaved - and relatively no complaining!

Now, it's back in Atlanta - and we're looking forward to a nice, long weekend with free concerts and fireworks on Tuesday.

Mountains, Rocks & Indian Mounds

2006-06-11T18:46:00.000-05:00

I had a busy day yesterday....
I took a "me" day and went on a big excursion.
First stop was the gas station to fill 'er up. Then, up I75 to Cartersville to the Weinman Mineral Museum, where there were having their annual Rock Fest. Now, when I told my kids i was going to the Rock Show, they thought i was going to hear some rock bands. Not so. Some of these rocks have bands, and the rock show was, as they would say, "tight".

It was so crowded inside the museum, i made a point to decide to come back another time for a deeper look. It was very nicely airconditioned, and outside was well, sweltering. I got a bit fried, as I didn't think to put on sunscreen before I left the house.

I met some friends there, and we had a really nice time - showing each other our finds, sharing information, and generally shopping for specimens. One of my friends found a wonderful carved dragon. Another friend found a fabulous rock at about 1/3 of the others, since it was "slightly damaged in shipping". We couldn't tell the difference! I found a beautiful piece of amethyst, with some calcite growing along inside it. I call the calcite angels when i see them in amethyst.

Although the boys weren't there - i wanted to get them gifts. For Max, we did a collectors box of history - some pieces are over 50 million years old! Shark's teeth, braciopods, all kinds of interesting pieces of things. Sam got a great piece of light amethyst crystals with two sea dragons inserted.

Then, wanted to stay up in the area some more, I took a little side trip by myself to the Etowah Indian mounds. They were having a special function there, and I was able to stay longer than usual. It was very interesting. I was able to climb the three largest mounds. They surmise that the largest two mounds were for ceremonial purposes, and the third mound was a burial mound.

Cartersville itself was quite picturesque, but not like the view from Darryl's place. Wow. After the Indian Mounds, my friend Darryl took me up to his place in the mountains. And we went up. I was afraid my little honda wouldn't make it - but it did in 2nd gear. His place is nestled on a ridge on a very steep part of the mountain. Out on the deck, and from part of the house, we could see so far. And deep, too, into the mountainside. Looking at those hills covered in trees was so beautiful. A piece of paradise.

Driving home, the full moon was a fabulous orb against the mountains. It was a magical day.

On My Own

2006-06-03T08:11:00.000-05:00

Well, the boys are with their dad for the next ten days...and i get to stay home w/the dog, go to work, and generally take care of the house and myself for a few days. Whew.

So far, i've spend some time cleaning up the ever-expanding mess in the backyard, and the entropic mess in the house. Well, I really don't mind that, either.

The time may be arriving where i am going to have to find a more full-time job, too. So, doing manual labor helps me clear my head and get me grounded.

The next days are filled with wonderful things. Today is Max's final game - the MVP game. So i'll be there to route him on. After that, there's a free concert w/my friend Miera and whomever else decides to come. Tomorrow, my good friend Shoshi is getting married, so i will have to clean up and go celebrate!

Weddings are a wonderful thing (usually). There's a special energy that surrounds them. It's the first time for Shoshi, and she's my age. I'm so happy for her!

Have a wonderful weekend~

Fire and Smoke

2006-05-28T12:34:00.000-05:00

Well, we started the weekend out with morning burning on Friday evening. I was thinking about writing about fire as a meditation tool, and comparing it to doing candle shen (qi gong). Then there was the observation that the fire in the backyard a few days ago burned so easily and quickly, and a lot seemed to be accomplished in a short time. The fire on Friday was slow and arduous to start and to keep going, and the amount that i perceived to be burning was much less than the previous time. Hence, there was a comparison and thought between a quick combustion and a slow burn. Interesting.

Saturday morning came early. I came downstairs and looked over at Sam and thought, "shit". His face was puffed and red to the point where one eye was swelling close. Anyways, after a few telephone calls and a peruse on the internet, i made the decision to take him into the emergency room. Once there, we encountered a fairly full waiting room, including a family w/seven kids. I have no idea why they all where there and why they all had to be seen. Hopefully they were all alright and their parents knew better than to use an emergency room as a doctor's office.

We were seen in fairly good time - perhaps an hour. We received the prescriptions and were back home before noon. The afternoon was spent at the pool.

This morning, we went back to the pool, only to find that a lifeguard hadn't shown up. So, I'm wresting with the responsibility issue. There were lots of parents who had dumped off their kids - no lifeguard, and a few adults. Although i used to be certified as a lifeguard and can still swim fairly well and long, I don't want to be held accountable for children whose parents don't feel accountable - but in fact, I still do feel like I am responsible.

Lately, though, i have not been able to do much of anything about anything. It's frustrating, but I'm learning to just sit back and watch things unfold. Part of this is like sitting and listening to someone and not offering my opinion unless it's asked for. Part of this is standing by and watching people's interaction. It's another thing to sit by and watch someone drown. However, if they are adults or children of adults who are not taking responsibility, is it still my obligation to step in, or do i observe and let things unfold?

I came home. Hopefully, the lifeguard will show up.

School's Out For Summer

2006-05-25T18:34:00.000-05:00

Hey, tomorrow is the last day for the boys this year. Yippee.
Today, I had to scramble around to get Sam's end-of-the-year party together. Everything delivered and distributed to seven classes. Wow. It's amazing. I started planning it back about 6-8 weeks ago, sent out various e-mails to the people who might be involved, and only received responses from 4 people...two of them ended up helping me get it together. The day before the party, here are a few people leaving messages like, are we going to decorate the room, etc.? It's frustrating. Then, the day of the party the teacher calls at 11 as askes where i am, eventhough i left all of the roomparent's an e-mail asking them to meet me at 11:30. Only one of them showed up to help load things in! Crazy.

Now, it's behind me. I'm going to enjoy a nice long weekend at home. The pool opens, some people will get together, i'll be cleaning up the backyard some more.

The biggest thing is that we have a little burn-pit in the backyard right now. There is so much brush from the clean up and there's no way a chipper could get back there. So, i've resigned to burning brush. Sam and I have gone to the firestation to check on the rules for burning, so i'm within limits.

Lucky likes to play outside while we're working on it - actually yesterday was our first fire, and it was cool to watch. Looks like i'll be working on that project for a good part of the summer!

Cleaning Up

2006-05-20T07:19:00.000-05:00

Well, this week was about reclaiming.
My friend, Joanna, found a handy guy to come and do things for her around the house. Luckily, he agreed to come and do some work for me too. He has lots of cool tools. This week, I would come home from work around 2:30 and start working in the yard with him. It's much more fun to work with someone else, i think.

Anyways, a couple of years ago a couple of very large trees came down in my yard and broke down the chain link fence. At the time, I didn't care too much, but had a few guys come over with chainsaws and clean up the biggest part of the mess.

Now that we have Lucky dog, it became imperative to either put up a temporary fence or fix the one we have. So, Darrell has been over fixing the fence so Lucky will stay contained. It's been a job. The trees and bushes have grown into the fence. Darrell and I have been cutting brush for two days. Actually he finished the fence last night and started working on the deck. There is still so much more to do.

Max has his second play-off game today in a few hours. If we win, we keep playing. If we lose, we are done for the season. Although they lost this week's game, Max hit another 2-run homer and a 2-run triple. It's been really fun to watch him lately.

This week we also started looking at working towards Max's bar mitzvah. I have become disillusioned with the shul that we are members of. It's a long story, but basically, i found someone else to tutor Max and oversee his bar mitzvah, and now i will write a letter to our temple and end our membership. It's a bit sad for me. I'd like to support groups that expand minds. However, i feel there was an element of coercion that didn't sit well with me. Organized religion has had it's place in my life. Now, though, perhaps it is time for something new.

Schedules

2006-05-10T20:05:00.000-05:00

This week is a bit crazy. I'm not writing as much as i'd like to, although i have been writing some off-line.

Lately i've been at the baseball field a lot. Max has been hitting really well - he has hit two out-of-the-field home runs and his fair share of to-the-fence triples, doubles and singles. Last night, he had a concert (viola). Not your screechy-type concert, but fairly good for middle school kids.

This weekend looks like it has lots of choices too. Last weekend, we spent all afternoon and evening at Riverside park at a party, hanging out, and listening to a free concert on Saturday. Sunday, my friend, Al was thrown a surprise birthday party....so it's been busy and it doesn't seem to be letting up.

This weekend, there are lots of things to do - free or minimal charge stuff. One thing is James Wanless (Voyager Tarot creator) at the Phoenix & Dragon - complete with chocolate fondue. Yum. Saturday there are gem & mineral shows and Sunday is a Pow Wow. And, I might have an out-of-town guest come and crash - someone who will be a vendor at the Celtic Festival (Saturday) up in Duluth. Lots of action...sort of...

Well, this is the second time i've tried to write this post. The first time got eaten by the machine.

Tonight i think i'll try to relax and listen to the raindrops fall from the leaves. It's nice and quiet (almost). Driving in the rain was horrible today. Makes me want to move away from Atlanta. Listening to the rain is soothing...quite opposite effects from the same rain storm.

May Day

2006-05-01T21:03:00.000-05:00

Today is May Day. The day for Maypoles, dancing and celebration of spring. Beltane (the time between the equinox and solstice), or close to it. Along with that, i think of morse code. So, in honor of the day, I made a special posterboard or treasure board.

I'm not sure exactly what other people call it, but my friend, Joanna did one for New Years. I suppose it sets an intention, or a visualization of what is going on in the mind. From what I understand, it's like a map of some sort, to help manifest what's going on inside.

So, my pictorial map is of sustainable community. Perhaps apropos for May Day.
A place where people can live, or just visit for a time. Sustainable, with organic gardens, common buildings with rooms for yoga, tai chi, meditation, or other gatherings. Holistic health practitioners, etc. Also, different living quarters for guests and residents.

I tried to take a picture of it to show... Some of the pictures and words are very small, but you can get the idea!

No, Nope, Nada, Zilch

2006-04-25T18:51:00.000-05:00

I'm listening to cartoons in the periphery. Take no prisoners was something I just heard. Maybe that's what's going on here, too.

I've been saying "no" a lot lately. Not that I want to, but it seems like sometimes that's the first thing out of my mouth. After reviewing some of those "no-s", I'm wondering if I pause in reflection before saying anything, whether my response will shift. Of course, it could become a more emphatic "NO". Sometimes, with Sam, my nine-year-old, I have to go into the No song. (no no no no no no, and then higher, no no- no no -no no- no-no-no) Maybe i'm dating myself. Sometimes, perhaps last week, I turned to him and said, "What part of - no - don't you get? the N part or the O part?" Not too nice, or adultish, is it? But jeepers, now I know why my mother wanted a tape recorder!

Sometimes I have to swallow my "no". That doesn't feel to good, either. Or bite my tongue. Yikes.

There's been tons of times when I've said "yes" ---sometimes to my detriment. Maybe i'm just perfecting my "no-ability".

Aaaaahhhhh

2006-04-21T18:05:00.000-05:00

It's Friday - yea!
My friend, Dee Dee called me yesterday to check in. She said she had checked the blog and i hadn't written anything since last Wednesday. Ooopps. Sometimes (mostly) i don't think people read these. Mostly i'm writing for myself - because it's partially compulsion...partially because i want to practice writing for future publication possibilities, and partially so i don't forget what i've done.

I have procured a new piece of jewelry and i am so happy with it. My friend, Tal, is a jewelry designer. She's also on the Native Path, and a Shaman. She and her partner, Billy gave me the opportunity to build a sweatlodge a few years ago (wrote about it in one of my first posts). It's a beautiful piece that i commissioned, she made it for me...and i received it from her today. What a beautiful way to begin the weekend.

Old Poetry - Letting It Go

2006-04-12T21:58:00.000-05:00

The love was found
Nestled in the chaos of emotions.
I recognized it's golden glow.
Separated from everything else,
It stands alone like a crystal or star.

Sam says people don't know what love is,
Since science hasn't proven it.

So I took the shard of love and used it,
Swirling it into a space,
Creating a galaxy
That looks a bit like this
One you're in now.

This Should Be Funny

2006-04-10T21:05:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's a bit overdone. You decide. Check
it out.

Storms a Plenty

2006-04-10T19:26:00.000-05:00

Pir Vilayat Khan talked about something like tempests in our teacups, or something like that. Perhaps that's what's been happening here this weekend. I've stirred up the cuppa. The weather here did it too.

A very large tree fell on my parent's home on Saturday. A big live white oak. I've been telling them that if it were me, I'd have it removed. Last Friday, i told them again that it was going to fall. Maybe i shouldn't say things like that. It feel on Saturday morning...after the big storm. No one was hurt, though my mom was very shook up. It was a big adventure watching the tree men take it down yesterday. We had a kinda' driveway party next door.

Tempests in my teacups too. I wanted to go meet a qigong master who is being brought down to Atlanta by a friend. I thought it would be okay to look into it, that i was clear that things were more than over between us. The weekend proved me wrong on that count. Aaah well. More time and more water needs to move under this bridge, or perhaps i need to find another way to feel about it.

I wonder if emotions follow the brain's thoughts, or vice versa...or if i can understand each independently.

Spring Cleaning

2006-04-02T12:45:00.000-05:00

Lately, i've been in purge mode. I've been in the closets, drawers, and toychests and bookshelves. We've had bags go to friends and some to the dump.

For the past few days, i've been doing an internal cleanse. This is not my first, but it seems like the most profound for me. I did a 2 day Arden's Garden de-tox, and for one day, i made my own master cleanse. All three days, i worked with the Yogi teas - fasting, detox and elimination. So, basically i got cleaned out. I gave up caffeine a few days prior to the cleanse, and was careful not to overeat. The Arden's Garden de-tox is a gallon of distilled water mixed with fresh organic grapefruit, orange, and lemon juice. The Master Cleanser is distilled water, fresh lemon juice, a bit of good maple syrup, and cayanne pepper.

One of the wierdest things i noticed was that i was hardly ever hungry. When i did get hungry, it was only for about five minutes. I got to notice when i wanted to eat - and that was when i was feeling stressed out or emotional...which luckily was only a couple times on the second day.

The first night was tough. Not because i was hungry, but because i was in so much pain. I didn't expect pain from a simple cleanse, but it happened. It felt like my kunda was throbbing, and it went up my back. I've never really experienced back pain like that before. I wondered if i should find a chiropractor, but by the morning it was almost all gone. I understand from one of my friends that this is fairly common with fasting...and it was good that i rode it out. Perhaps there were a lot of neuro toxins that were being released. Good. Doing yoga stretches, meditation, and qigong helped relieve the pain, too.

Last night, i broke the fast with a nice plate of food after an Ipsalu Satsang. Twenty people who had received the cobra breath initiation came to get together to practice, and have a pot luck afterwards. It was a very nice, supportive environment.

So far, i am only eating raw food - and will probably move on to a more normal diet tomorrow.

Hua Hu Ching

2006-03-26T08:23:00.000-05:00

I found a companion book to the Tao Te Ching which is attributed to Lao Tzu...the Hua Hu Ching.

In my own self, looking at my own preferences, which everyone seems to have, they eventually becomes blocks in my path. From what i have been told, and am beginning to understand, the personality is built around preferences. Not only that, but preferences based in illusion.

Here is a quote from the book:

Eleven

Does one scent appeal more than another?
Do you prefer this flavor, or that feeling?
Is your practice sacred and your work profane?
Then your mind is separated:
from itself, from oneness, from the Tao.

Keep your mind free of divisions and distinctions.
When your mind is detached, simple, quiet, then all
things can exist in harmony, and you can begin to
perceive the subtle truth.

Hua Hu ching, The unknown Teachings of Lao Tzu by Brian Walker

From the Dark Nothing - The Sea, Sand & Sun

2006-03-25T08:41:00.000-05:00

A few years ago, i had a dream which i thought was quite interesting. I want to see if i can retell it in story form. It essentially tells the story of my soul.

In the beginning there was complete darkness. Then, from out of the darkness, forms appeared. On the beach, where the sea meets the sand, there are millions upon millions of grains of sand. Many more than we can count. As the sun came out, it shown upon one of the grains of sand, and a grain of sand stood out among all of the others. It shown like a diamond, a reflection of the greater light that was shining upon it. The grain of sand noticed this, and became conscious of it's form. Being a grain of sand wasn't enough. It wanted to be a precious gem. This thought was met with consternation. Why want more? Wasn't it enough to bask in the light of the sun and reflect it? Ego was born.

And so, an oyster covered the grain of sand with layers and layers of nacre. Eventually, the grain of sand became a pearl. A precious gem.

After the pearl reveled in it's newness and beauty, it realized that it didn't reflect the sun as before. Would it be possible to reach it's prior form? Each layer of nacre had to be removed for it to be as it once was, in hopes of eventually becoming first a grain of sand, and eventually a part of the Dark Nothing once again.

Speaking Your Truth in the Face of Adversity

2006-03-21T15:22:00.000-05:00

I received this e-mail yesterday.

I'd like to believe that there are more people in the world with these views willing to speak out.

Check it out!

Little Birdie - Go Back To Sleep!

2006-03-18T11:14:00.000-05:00

There's a very large patch of azaleas outside of my bedroom window. They are very large bushes, and great for hiding rabbits and birds.

It wasn't even 6:00 a.m. this morning when one of those little birds started singing outside of my window. I usually love to wake up to the sound of birdsong. I listened for awhile and realized that this little one was singing all by itself. Everything else was still asleep, including me. Well, actually, i wasn't asleep any more. It took almost 45 minutes for that bird to wake up some other birds, so finally, it had a chorus to sing with.

It woke me up from a somewhat unpleasant dream. I've been dreaming a lot lately, and have found that those dreams affect my waking time much more than perhaps i would like. For instance, this week i dreampt that i was eating lettuce and then i saw ivy. The next day, i had a large desire for a nice salad and then spent an hour pulling ivy from the trees in our yard.

Last night's dream was interesting, but didn't paint me in the most flattering light. In fact, in the dream, i was bitchy and self-serving. Yikes. I had to think about that one... Sometimes i try to be perfect. The pursuit of perfection. It's a tough path, and for some reason, i'm not sure if it leads very far towards that goal of illumination. Last night, before i went to sleep, i was reading Hafiz, and read the poem Effacement.

There's so much mirroring everywhere i look - even with my eyes closed and dreaming.

Effacement
Is a golden gun.
It was not easy to hold it against my head
And fire!

I needed great faith in my master
To suffocate myself
With his holy bag
Full of truth.

I needed great courage
To go out into the dark
Tracking God into the unknown

And not panic or get lost
In all the startling new scents, sounds,
Sights.

Or lose my temper
Tripping on those scheming
Night and day around me.

Hafiz,
Effacement is the emerald dagger
You need to plunge

Deep into yourself upon
This path to divine
Recovery----

Upon this path
To God.

Synthesis of Taoism

2006-03-17T07:35:00.000-05:00

I found an interesting article awhile back...and have yet to ingest all of it, but wanted to share this article on Dao/Tao.

I originally saw it on this blog which has many yummy articles!

The Toast Game

2006-03-16T07:28:00.000-05:00

I have been frequenting parts of Craig's List for about six months, now. I found my job on Craig's List, and essentially, we found Lucky, our dog, on Craig's list.

Now, I have seen some stuff on CL that i don't aspire too, and i have limited my cruising because i am easily swayed. But this....this is funny...and cool...

It's The Toast Game.

Happy Birthday

2006-03-14T21:06:00.000-05:00

Today is my b-day! Yep. I'm getting older.

It was a beautiful day today, though. I've had lots of wonderful dreams over the past week or so, and have been pretty good at writing them down. I've read where the weeks surrounding the birthday time are potentially good times to review and revise one's life - or at least the year. It may be interesting to note the full moon and lunar eclipse, too.

I've also been practicing holding onto the attitude that i'd like to have throughout the day. Usually, there are little glitches to our days, and a lot of times, i would take it personally. For the past few weeks, it's worked pretty well, especially at work. I think meditating and doing my practices every morning helps. Being conscious of keeping my attitude the way I want to helps too. Since i can be a particularly good empath, it's become more important for me to recognize my own energy as opposed to taking on discordant energies around me.

Happy Birthday to me!

Medicine Buddha

2006-03-04T08:19:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since i felt so compelled to write, but this morning, the energy is just here.

Last night, Joanna and I went to the Rameshori Buddhist center for evening prayers. It was so beautiful! Overall, I had a wonderful, blissful experience.

It first started a couple of weeks ago, when Joanna told me about the center here in Sandy Springs. It opened about a year ago. Last week, we were going to try to go, but the weather was so bad, and my schedule was so tight, that we decided to go another time. Last night, it worked for both of us. We showed up about 10 minutes early. It's a very small establishment - with a couple of teaching rooms and a small reception area with books, malas, and pictures for sale at a reasonable cost.

We met a women who lives in Athens, who was there when we arrived. Then, a very beautiful person, Chris, came and gave us a brief introduction to this type of Buddhism and a short synopsis of what the prayers for that night were about.

The prayers are sung, using very few notes, and repetitious stanzas. Basically, there are eight medicine Buddhas that we sang to, and there is a corresponding meditative visualization that goes with the prayers. Each one of the medicine Buddhas melts into the other and then the person reciting the prayers and doing the meditative visualization, brings down the Buddhas in through the crown chakra and into the heart chakra.

I definitely could feel my crown chakra changing as i started singing the prayers. There was a very deep sense of peace and well being at the end of the prayers. However, i did notice that my mind was "talking" at different parts of the prayer - and at one point, i was feeling unworthy. It wasn't too uncomfortable, but it wasn't all blissful - although it did end up being blissful at the end.

I have just begun my studies of Buddhism, and it was appropriate and timely that i was able to visit the center last night. I am completing the section on Buddhism for my Cherag studies and it reminded me of a book i read last summer - Maitreya's Distinguishing Phenomena and Pure Being - translated by Jim Scott under the guidance of Khenpo Tsultrim Gyamtso Rinpoche.

I hope to go back again sometime, and perhaps introduce my children to it too, since they have a children's program.

Rewiring Our Neuro Synapses For A Different Perspective

2006-02-28T07:21:00.000-05:00

Lately, i have been encountering various people who are claiming that "this way is the only way" or "this way is the best way" to rewire the brain, or alter perception with the focus on enlightenment. There have also been people in my life over the years who intimate these things by pointing fingers at others and saying something like "they think they are becoming enlightened, but they are blinded by illusion, and moving in circles". Oh, i think. Okay. And i move on. The best thing i have ever read and what i try to go with, proposes that each person finds his or her own way.

Somehow, through trial and error, i have found that there are many ways of altering perception. Some of these i would not recommend to others, based on their inherently dangerous side effects. Other ways work better for me - usually the ones steeped in historical knowledge and wisdom. However, there are many ways. Since my personal experience has shown me that psychotropic drugs effect me negatively - in the long run - i eschew using them and prefer not to be around those who do for any length of time.

Recently, i came across an invitation to a psytrance dance being held here in Atlanta. As i peruse the website for clues about what this is all about - as it appears to be a global phenomenon - it appears to be what some of the 20 and early 30-somethings are experimenting with to expand and rewire their perception. Interesting. I might have to check it out!

Week in Review - Musings on Patterns

2006-02-25T09:12:00.000-05:00

Hi. This week was an interesting mix of emotions and untangling. I suppose the "untangling" word is one which i use to describe untangling emotions - or at least getting to the point where the mind goes beyond what is happening and questions what the best course of action is, if any.

My schedule was totally 'disabled' this week. My morning meditation was thrown askew by one of my sons being out-of-school sick and having to go to the doctor. Two other mornings, my other son missed his bus, which means i need to drive him to school. Dealing with change is not always easy for me.

One of the other days, i fulfilled my roomparent duties by going into the classroom with an art project for the kids to complete with me. This was an extra duty, which i was feeling a bit resentful about when i was first told of it. Since i have a new job, i don't get paid for the time i miss from work. So any volunteer time during working hours is time i don't get paid for. bummer. Well, the experience was interesting. I shopped for the materials for the project and then had to schedule time to come into the classroom. While i was in the classroom, the energy was so diverse and kinetic, if i was a student there, it would be difficult for me to learn anything. The teacher was there, one substitute, and a high school volunteer. While i was there for the hour, the teacher and the substitute talked - the substitute read the newspaper - and the high school volunteer texted on her telephone. I worked with two or three kids at a time to complete the project, and the rest of the time, kids played in groups around the room. It was loud, and i was dismayed, since every time i have observed the classroom, it is a similar situation. I feel sorry for the kids.

One of my observations with the class project is that the kids kept trying to create patterns in the art. I would have them pick out a flat sided glass "stone" and glue it onto a platter or candle holder. The concept of wanting to follow a pattern was prevalent with all of the kids, some more than others. I had the opportunity to observe how it bothered some of them when a pattern wasn't the object...and because i would alternate who gave me the stone, it was impossible for the kids to make a pattern unless they communicated and had agreement among them, which was very rare. From my vantage point, i could see that i have done that in many areas of my life...looking for patterns to make sense out of it. Perhaps it is human nature to create patterns, prefer patterns as a sense of beauty, or find a sense of control and stability in pattern.

Starting Something New

2006-02-19T16:47:00.000-05:00

Today i sat in Starbucks and wrote for an hour. Wow. There was lots of stuff coming out of the pen...well...out through me.

One of the things i wrote about was just what is going on in my head. which is a lot, but it doesn't necessarily follow any lines of continuity, although sometimes it finds a loop and tries to play it over and over again, trying to make sense of it.

Another thing that i was focused on writing about was my self-consciousness as i sat there. I wasn't meeting anyone, so i went by myself. I sat down and started to write. I became very conscious of how i looked, the dog hair on my shirt, how it didn't do my hair or wear make up. I watched feet pass by, but rarely looked up from my writing. I wrote about that.

The last thing i was writing about is an idea that i have for a women's circle. I was questioning myself about why i wanted to start up something new. Why do i feel the need to facilitate something like this. Then, i started writing down all of the things that i would like to talk to others about. A lot of things are my experiences and what i have been learning over the past four years. I know that there are several women in my life with rich information and experiences to share. The depth of knowledge and experience is just phenomenal. I must have written down several pages of ideas. I don't know if this is going to manifest into something, but the ideas are there. tons of them.

One of the reasons to start a circle would be to foster community and conscious communication...and support for our individuality and our journey(s).

Well, i think what i am going to do next is type out all of my notes (handwritten) and organize them and then send them to five of my friends and see what they think.

Practice Writing

2006-02-11T16:41:00.000-05:00

I haven't been practicing my writing this week - much...
So, here, i have a bit of quiet time, since i'm doing laundry too. It's rainy outside and i'm letting the kids work upstairs.

I was going to write about my experience last weekend in Tom's shamanic healing circle, but somehow, i can't quite talk about it right now. I don't know. Maybe it needs to bubble a little bit more inside.

Lately, i've been tired. I've had this yucky cough and sinus thing for about two months. No fever, just the crap. I've also noticed that i'm tired because i kept chasing after things that weren't going anywhere - and used a lot of energy that way.

There's a lot to be said for spending all of one's energy. That way, at least i know i tried. Somehow, i feel like i'm trying to break some old patterns by pulling back and away. I've even started work on my thoughts, although sometimes when i try to stop thinking about something, it seems to build up later. hmmm.

I have gotten a couple of e-mails from the old boyfriend about classes he's giving. After so many months of no communication, there it is. I haven't responded. It's not easy for me, though. There's a part of me that wants to ask him why, but i can't imagine that he would have a response that would do me any good. Repeating the on again off again thing and hoping it would change. That sounds a lot like crazy. Doing something over again and expecting a different result. I wonder if that has anything to do with hope.

Last night Max was watching the History channel, and it was about the Rohn. Many of the men on there were killed, and their families were told they were missing in action. The government didn't tell the truth, presumably because it would hurt the public's opinion. Like a child who doesn't want to tell his/her parents the truth because they don't want their parents to be angry.
Anyways, i was touched to tears with the stories from these families. Hope that their husband/father was still alive and would come home one day. Living their lives with hope that their beloved was a POW and would be released. Even after the war, having dreams and hoping that their loved ones would return because the truth was held from them. Something reverberated in me with that, and i felt their loss deeply. Not only their loss of a family member, but their loss of time and life. Hope, which surely has been seen as a virtue, displayed it's darker side to me, and i saw myself in that.

I feel like i'm standing still now. Or at least maybe just moving in slow circles. Contemplating which way to step again. I do not want to be a casualty of war and life, hoping beyond reason and truth. Eventually, truth wins...even if it's not what we think it is.

Writing in Carl's Class

2006-02-09T12:00:00.000-05:00

During our Monday writing class, Carl had us meditate for 10 minutes and then write for 10 minutes on whatever subject we wanted to write about. I was thinking I was going to write on a particular subject, but when I put my pen onto the paper, something else came out and it didn't feel like the right thing to do to try to change it. Because I want to see it again, I feel the opportunity to do it here. Here's what came out:

Today I am dreaming. What dream is to come tomorrow? Hence, hark! Silliness devoid of reason scatters the senses. Writing of a subject eludes me now, eventhough i want to write of other more substantial ideas and thoughts.

Ideals though, we can speak to you of these. Do not forsake your ideals, dear one. They are not so far from you.

Faith, yes, to have more faith will calm your worried, tired heart, sooth your mind, and dry your eyes.

Do not worry about that which time rules over - as you cannot rush others as you yourself have rushed like leaves rustle against the barren brown ground in a squall.

What is it thou seekest amongst the tempest of men that brings you to harbor ill will towards the fates? Have no doubt that the sight of All That Is is greater than those around you - even yourself. But you know that.

Listen for the beat of the drummer, steady and low and the beats pour out a cadence for your heart to follow. Let your spirit dance awhile before making or settling down.

Love one another, but you are tired, so feed your need to be alone now. Wiser you are, but pain is deep and needs time to transform. Give yourself the time. Do not push yourself. Let the others dance for awhile and find happiness in their dance when they are having trouble seeing it.

You may/can look into their hearts and point it out. Joy-bringer. Only one who has known deeper pain can.

Enough Faith

2006-02-07T08:05:00.000-05:00

I had an interesting weekend, which i'll write more about in another post. Right now, i feel the need to exercise my option on writing about one of those "somethings" that is given little spoken value outside of traditional religion. Faith.

On Sunday, i attended the Urs of Hazrat Inayat Khan. It was a small group of six that met to recognize the day that murshid died. A death day. In sufi tradition, i have heard it called a wedding day. The day a soul leaves the body and joins again with the one-ness. A happy day for the soul, but perhaps not so happy day for those souls left in their bodies. The feeling of separation is so much greater in the body.

Anyways, as part of the Urs, we got to pick a saying of Murshid from one of his many published books - Bowl of Saki. Simple yet profound sayings on the subject of life.

Mine, which perhaps i kept, hmm, mentioned "Ye of little faith". Yep, i can safely say that perhaps i have not taken faith as an attribute to foster in my life. Maybe that's pragmatic, maybe it was an oversight, and maybe it just wasn't time. I have had that said to me before, most recently by an old boyfriend, about a year ago.

Since i have been actively trying to release those old relationships and patterns surrounding the pain associated with attachment, and the patterns of my choice making based on old belief systems, etc., etc. It was timely to hear about faith.

For some reason, pain has seemed to drown out or eclipses so many of those other attributes - like love, happiness, joy, faith.

And, for one reason or another, i really didn't have a good idea of what Faith felt like - or an increase in Faith - felt like, until i asked for it. I had confused Belief and Faith, and I had confused Devotion and Faith as well. However, over the last few days, i have a better understanding what Faith can mean. Blind Faith, and Faith based on an understanding of personal responsibility.

TGIF

2006-02-03T20:30:00.000-05:00

Yep,
The work week is over - well almost. i have my other job(s) to work on this weekend...it doesn't seem to end, not with my heating bill at $333 last month. yikes. i might have to advertise for a roommate. Well, that probably wouldn't work right now, but maybe i just need to sell a little more jewelry along w/the day job. ebay, i might have to do ebay.

Dinner w/the folks tonight was good. shrimp stirfry.

i don't know if i have a lot to write tonight, but as i was coming home, i was thinking about trying a new writing venue. I read about picking cafes, or other places to sit and write. Now, i've been into some Starbucks and Caribous here that look promising - except that everyone seems to be surreptitiously looking at everyone else....and they don't seem to get up and move around much. Like i might have to go early and stake out a seat, or something. i think some of my local cafes are like that - but the one in buckhead seems that way. it seems almost like a club, and i should have a laptop if i want to fit in. plus, i might find myself staring at the fire a lot. space cowgirl.

Well, it's a thought. Once i sat at a cafe - and i think it was a starbucks - a couple of years ago and wrote an outline for a class that i came up with during one of my marathon baths. It is called Spiritual Communication - and i think i robbed ideas from a few of the seminars i had gone to and put them together as an interactive class on communication. So far, i haven't had the opportunity to try to teach it. Plus, it's a couple of years old now...maybe someday it will come in handy and come out of hibernation.

Sometimes i get my best design ideas in the shower. My clients like jewelry that they can retail under 40. Coming up with designs in semi-precious stones, pearls & swarovski crystal and sterling for under 40 can be a challenge. Unfortunately, it seems as though the competition has gotten the better of me lately. I have to get some new stuff done and photographed soon for the spring show applications.

I get some interesting ideas w/water. Maybe that's why i've been jones-ing for a hottub.

What's Life Got To Do With IT?

2006-02-01T22:20:00.000-05:00

The funniest thing just happened.
I wrote the title of the blog, not really knowing what to say and then a finger pushed the wrong button, and it published without any text. hmmmm. so, i'm in edit mode.
As i was coming downstairs to write, i was thinking that maybe this on-line writing blog thing is a bit egotistical. hmmm. Well, maybe sort of. Now that i think about it, nothing is all-the-way anymore, in my perspective.
Lately, i've been angry at god/goddess/whatever. So much bullshit, mudslinging, pain, and suffering. What gives? That's the doorway to love?
I read a chapter heading yesterday for a book that was reviewed in one of the new-age rags in town. The title of the chapter had to do with Escorts to the Divine - the people who you fall in love with and then (you) break your heart and find the Beloved. Sounds a bit obtuse, but i understand the premise, and sometimes can see it in action. I've noticed people who have lost a partner/parent/sibling at funerals. I've seen them actually glowing.. . it's like they have a cocoon of light around them. At first i thought it might be shock, and maybe that's what shock looks like.
Seems like God's been around long enough nudge us toward another pathway. Maybe she does, and we are just too slow to get it. i can't really speak for everyone, so maybe i should say, i'm slow getting it.
This weekend is another adventure.
My friend, John, has invited me to his shamanic circle. He's an apprentice to Tom Lake, and i think it would be interesting to see what it's about. Plus, it feels good to be invited.
I have been going to my writing class - and am really enjoying it. Usually i journal in one of my journals, but tonight i thought i'd write here.
sweet dreams.

Writing about Frustration

2006-01-29T22:01:00.000-05:00

I need to get my daily quotient of writing in today. I need to take some deep breaths, too.

Today has been nice, but frustrating. My friend, Tony, came over to chat and visit. My friend Shoshi called, and i hadn't seen her in a long time. Sam was difficult, since he is over tired. Max stayed out of everyone's way and was generally good natured. Not me. Last night i started in on the emotion "anger". Seething, more likely. Mostly in my mind and thoughts. Definitely not the kind of thoughts i would want to act on. Good thing last year's resolution was to learn to "respond not react". I explored the anger a little more today. Sabotaging creativity, to be sure. Anger takes a lot of energy, but interestingly enough, i seemed to gain some energy from this anger.

At first, when i got really angry, i could feel it at the base of my spine and shoot upwards. That was pretty cool. Not what i expect from kundalini, but it felt cleansing, in a way. Today i used the energy to do cooking. I chopped a lot of onions and other veggies to make a big pot of vegetable soup, a big pot of chili and stir fry....two loads of laundry and some - but not enough - clean up. Bathed the dog and read to Sam for two hours, since i took the t.v. away today.

I am in a saturn opposition. Lots of stuff is coming up. I spent some time on the phone this weekend with my friend, Dan, who is a cool astrologer. He pointed out some things to me about my chart and my old boyfriend's chart. That pretty much clinched it for me. I could actually see - visualize - the issues and energetics that aren't going to change and something clicked and made sense. No way that's going to work long term. He was right. I don't like being wrong, but i am getting used to it.

Dolphin Breathwork/Meditation

2006-01-22T09:42:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's Dolphin Breathwork brought me into a very sweet space. I am grateful that i made it down to Decatur/Candler Park for the workshop. Although my sense of direction was off, i finally made it there after two phone calls. My friend, Ian, who was facilitating the workshop told me that half of the people who had signed up cancelled the hour before the workshop. I looked at him and told him i could understand why. My hunch was that these people started processing their emotions/stuff before the workshop and then felt horrible. That's essentially what i think happened to me. The friend who asked me to go with her to this backed out right before the workshop...but i've done just enough workshops to know that if i stuck with it, i would have the opportunity to move that energy through.

The Dolphins apparently use 100% of their lung capacity. The premise is that dolphins have emotions just like we do, but that they move through them quickly and move on. By using different types of breathing methods (i.e., circular breathing, belly breathing), the tool that was imparted was that if i was still enough, and remembered to breathe, i could essentially feel a vast range of emotions in each breath. By doing that, the premise is that we don't "get stuck" in any one emotion....like i was stuck in sadness yesterday (although i would cycle in and out of sadness, it wasn't always a quick cycle and release).

There were six participants (3 men and 3 women), a facilitator and two assistants. Everyone is encouraged to stay within their own process. Honoring one's own process and letting whatever come, come during the experience. There was quite a bit of coaching, and guided meditation - especially towards the end of the exercise. During the exercises, i reached points that i felt like i no longer wanted or needed to breathe. I'm mentioned this before in other posts. I made sure that i was present and conscious and mostly kept my eyes open during these times and was very aware. Perhaps it was just an interesting perception of time and i was breathing - just very slowly. during those periods, my body felt no pain or distress, and my mind was calm and clear. I was present to the assistants coaching me in recalibrating my breaths, which was helpful. i was very focused on my body and the intention to "play" and be present.

Overall, it was a very sweet experience - one i'd like to have again.

A Difficult Day

2006-01-21T14:00:00.000-05:00

I'm having a difficult day. Nothing is really wrong, and i'm not in physical pain, but there's something i'm having difficulty with. I feel really, really sad. Sometimes i wonder if there's a way for me to look at things differently to make myself feel better. I made jewelry, i sold jewelry, a read my cherag materials, i took a walk. i'm planning on going to Dolphin Breath meditation and to a dance party at my friend's house. I feel like shit. the tears just keep coming. i wonder if i'll be able to release whatever this is during the breath workshop. i don't know. i thought of a poem on my walk and i got the impression to write it down. i might have forgotten it, but maybe it will just come out of my fingers...

You told me you were thirsty,
You wanted me to give you a drink.
I asked you if you would do the same for me.
You hesitated.
You think what you have to offer me isn't good enough.
Do you realize that the bitter wine quenches the thirst
Just as well as the sweet?

Ten Minutes

2006-01-19T07:26:00.000-05:00

I have ten minutes to write this morning. i wrote some last night, but that was in one of my diaries. I have several books that i write in. Just as background, i have several notebooks full of writings...several notebooks on dreaming and dreams that i've had. Not every dream, but some of them. I also have a notebook full of paper with words on it from when i did the Artist's Way during my divorce. i did that writing exercise to help myself recover from that divorce. Then, i have one or two books of gratitude. I did those writing exercises from doing Simple Abundance. I had to think of at least five things that i was grateful for every day. That helped me go from The Artist's Way, when i was sighing on each and every page and deep in despair and depression and in recuperation from a breakdown. Looking back i, i know i had to do it...meaning, i had to get the divorce to be a healthier person, but making that decision and actually following through with it caused innumerable pains.

However, the Simple Abundance writing practice helped me get back up. I was able to write down all of the doom and gloom and then practice writing happy, or at least grateful things. Not of the things i am grateful for are happy things. For instance, some of my hardest lessons have not been the most happy ones, but i am grateful for them nonetheless. They have made me into the person i am today. My perception is that it's a stronger, more self-assured, and definitely more self-reliant and resilient me. Hopefully, i've been able to do that without incurring the armoring that goes along with the knocks that life imparts.

So, i've written for about half the time. The goal is to just keep writing and see what comes out. Sometimes i think it just flows from the fingers, other times, it just is inside and is ready to come out. I'm really enjoying reading my bath book, Writing Down The Bones. It's good stuff.

I'm looking forward to this weekend, but it seems like with my new job, i don't have the time i need to complete and even continue projects that i have. I am woefully behind on my Cherag writing, and hope that this writing exercise will inspire me to finish that project quickly. I have not been able to sit down and make jewelry since the holidays. I used to get a lot of pleasure from doing that. Now, it seems, there just isn't enough time. I had plans to paint Sam's bedroom. Now, i'm wondering if i should just hire someone to get it done, although i think it would be a great project for us to do together. The time just slips away....

Speaking of time, i'm just about up for my ten minute writing session. Next is a quick shower, get Max on the bus, call Joanna and sit in morning meditation for 10-20 minutes and then go to work.
ciao.

Spiritual Writing Assignments

2006-01-17T22:22:00.000-05:00

During my class, Carl said that if we could write every day, even one sentence, that would be good. After a few months, we'd have a few pages. Really. Maybe Haiku.

I just got out of my evening bath. My time alone. I have a new bath book - since that's where i do my best reading. I used to do spiritual practices in the bath, but now i do them on my way to work. Usually. My new bath book is a book on writing. Writing Down The Bones. I'll have to add it to my reading list on the blog. Anyways, while i was sitting in the bath, i had an idea. Then, i had the impression to come and write. So here i am. writing. my homework. Cooling down. maybe.

So, the thought that came to mind was:

Osho wrote the book,
So what more do i have to say?

Well, apparently, plenty. That's what's the impression, anyways. Secrets. I was having an imaginary conversation with my old boyfriend. My friend, Miera called me tonight to explain that he had called to RSVP to her dance party this weekend. I had RSVPed many weeks back, when the first invite came out. She deferred to me, however, and explained that if there was a problem, she'd rather have me at the party than miss it because he was planning to be there.

hmmm. Very sweet. Some of my friends have not been so forthcoming or caring about my feelings pertaining to that relationship. Ah, so, one of the things i have learned along the way is that a lot of people, and i mean A LOT, definitely fill their needs before they think of how their actions might affect others. Not that they should be held accountable for other's feelings, but apparently, most people ACT from their feelings. Luckily, a lot of people are numbed by various things...t.v., alcohol, addictions, self-absorption, even spirituality. i should know. i'm not immune.

What's next, i don't know. i'm just writing off the cuff. It's something that's been on my mind anyways. I guess that's it for tonight.

Spiritual Writing with Carl McColeman

2006-01-17T08:12:00.000-05:00

I signed up and attended the first of five writing classes last night. Our first in-class assignment was to spend a few minutes and i'll share what i did here. We were asked to write about...

"If you are to have a conversation with your voice, what would it say"

me: Tell me what you'd like to express

Voice: Well, you're asking for a lot, but there's more than you've drempt(ed) possible. This voice can go on for hours and what of what might be expressed will be very triggering to you and others.

me: would you consider that a healing mechanism?

Voice: Well, yes, of course. It can be and will be and has been very healing. It can be a good outlet for vindictive thoughts or other culturally non-supported venturings into an altered way of expression and thinking.

me: What purpose would there be?

Voice: There doesn't have to be a purpose. It can just be. For now,

me: Would it be like an unfolding?

Voice: Even giving it that would presupposed an outcome, where having voice or giving voice an outlet doesn't necessarily have a purpose that you or anyone else can validate.

me: Is there a chance that I could publish the musing that come from or are emitted by letter the voice speak?

Voice: Well, yes, there are unlimited possibilities and as i said- it could be beyond your wildest dreams.

me: I just had the impression of other being with me helping these voice out - or adding to that voice.

Voice: When you use the voice - that could be true. It could be an externallization of an internal dialogue that some people may refer to as out-side agents.

me: Are they outside or inside?

Voice: It doesn't matter. It's the same One.

me: That sounds like a belief structure.

Voice: The beliefs you have will or can be changed by allowing the Voice to be heard or write.

me: Should I share this?

(end of allotted writing time)

Aquarium Adventure

2006-01-15T08:42:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, the boys and i went to the new aquarium.
We had a good time. i tend to not enjoy large crowds, so we went early (before 9 a.m.) to get in and get our tickets and passes. The kids got annual passes as gifts for the holidays, and i bought one for me - so i could take them.

The lines were long, but moved quickly. It was sold out...and somewhat difficult to get tickets. I had called back the first week in January for them.

It's done very well, and very majestic and surprising how much they have. The Beluga whales are very sweet looking. The jelly fish are really cool, especially since colored lights make them appear different colors.

The coral reef is wonderful and it's very cool to look up and see fish swimming above!
We didn't stay too long, since they were letting in about 750 people every hour. Sam's favorite part was being able to touch the stingrays and little sharks. We could also touch shrimp, hermit crabs (which were hiding), and star fish. We had one minor snafu when leaving. Both of my kids said they knew the way out of the aquarium - so both took off in different directions! One got lost for a brief time, but we found each other again within about 5 minutes.

Limiting Thought Patterns

2006-01-08T09:07:00.000-05:00

Friday afternoon i started going down. Something happened and i just started being emotional and couldn't put the brakes on it. It was a little thing, really, but the deepness where i felt it caused real grief for me. Here's the story behind it:

Max worked hard blowing leaving, stacking firewood and other odd jobs for my parents in order to earn money to buy me a holiday present. On Christmas morning he presented me with a certificate to get a mani-pedi at the place where i have been going for the past 20 years. I was so touched. He even put on that he had added a tip. Although he has made me gifts before, this is the first one i can remember that he has worked for money in order to spend on me. I put the certificate with my other gifts so that it would not be lost. However, when we got home from my parents (we were doing gifts there) - i couldn't find the certificate. I have looked everywhere i can think of. I told my family the next day. They didn't know where it was. I have started cleaning the house and still can't find it. Finally, I called Cathy, the owner of the nail salon and told her. She remembered Max coming in...but she wouldn't accept that i had lost or misplaced the certificate. She won't honor it unless i can produce the piece of paper. I was devastated. I went through these horrible thoughts about myself and how i am careless, not responsible, and inappreciative. I know that i am not these things...well, at least most of the time. I went deep into the hole on this one. How over the years, times i have been inappreciative of gifts, how men work hard for what they give (and women too). After i felt i had reached a calmer place, i saged the house and took a bath and went to bed. The next day, i felt much better. I had another bout with something similar to this last week. Things are starting to come up through meditation for me. This subject had to do with being a "weak link", or "not good enough". These are very old, self sabotaging thought patterns. I have found that if these come up and and can be detached and use witness consciousness with them, there is a deep clearing that can happen. I have found that if there isn't some interaction triggering the emotion for me (like losing the certificate), processing through these limiting, old thought patterns goes a bit quicker, but perhaps are not as deep. I've learned that it's better to let it out than hold it in. I've also learned to be more compassionate with myself as i go into the hole; and if i am, i tend to emerge more quickly. I'm grateful for my friends who understand and are supportive of me working through this type of shift. Shift happens.

Well, i guess it was a good purge. I still haven't told max that i can't find the certificate, and i don't know if i will. Maybe i'll find it someday...but i can't imagine where it flew off to. I do feel better about the whole situation, though.

Yesterday i was productive in cleaning the house, taking a walk with the dog, getting some essential shopping done, and then enjoyed a dinner out and with three of my girlfriends. I had fun and things fell a bit back into perspective.

Restless

2006-01-05T19:01:00.000-05:00

I'm restless. I have tons to do, but don't seem able to focus on any one thing for very long. What's up? Well, maybe it's having four boys running around all day...i don't know.

Part of it is that my routine has been altered, and not exactly the way i would have it. i.e., not enough exercise, washing machine malfunctions, too much television on in the house, no regular meditation, not allowing myself booty calls. Hmmm. Maybe it's just frustration and a bit of stir crazy from being inside too much. . . finishing up my end-of-year business stuff, etc.

Well, i've had this before. Usually it shows up more in the spring time. I get the urge to move somewhere. Sell the house, get out of dodge. Usually it just passes. I used to have a friend who would get it around the same time as me. We'd binge together. Usually, during the year, we would walk together - in a work-out kind of way. Then, one day in the spring, we'd look at each other and then that was it. I'd usually go get a bottle of Tangeray and tonic or we'd go someplace and sit outside and sip many margaritas (ta-kill-ya) (within walking distance). Those days have been long gone... aaahhh, youth.

Maybe i'm just wondering what's next in store. There's really no drama in my life right now - or if there is, it's something i'm in denial about. I'm not up for fighting or looking for a cause. People with causes seem to always want to win. . . and have win/lose mentalities. More duality.
I'd rather see a win/win/no-deal format. Who knows how to do that here in Atlanta? Anyone want to practice conscious communication?

I'm in the process of working on my Cherag studies. Perhaps just focusing on that and getting things put away should be enough to keep me busy over the next few weeks. Sometimes i wish the universe would just give me a job. Those kind of jobs don't usually pay anything, but hey, at least i feel there is a purpose. Maybe my new job is to be purpose-less. Learning how to live with What Is isn't as easy as it sounds...to me.

New Year Goals

2006-01-02T08:25:00.000-05:00

Lots of people make New Year's resolutions. It's a historical thing. I read about it here - the history of New Year. Like everything, the dates have changed over the years and while we have such a limited scope to think that the possibility for more changes is limited, i would suggest that history would prove otherwise.

New Year's Eve day and yesterday, i spent reviewing what's going on in my life. The different areas of concentration of energy and time: family, work, relationships, crafts, spirituality, diet & exercise. Interestingly enough, some of these areas warrant more energy and some less than i have been expending upon them recently. During the year, i like to do something new, learning something new and take a class or get involved in some way. This year, writing came up. Oddly enough (or not) i had just seen an advertisement for a class on Monday nights which caught my interest. It's also at a time that's convenient for me, so that will be my next adventure. It may prove to help me finish what I've already started, and may open doors to more.

I facilitated our first family meeting last night. Whew. We covered a lot - without the TV on! We covered allowable t.v., computer/X-box, chores, allowance, vacations and camps. There were some divergent ideas on what is acceptable for each of these, but i think we are off to a good start.

This week, the kids are out of school and i'm watching two of their friends most of the week. . . Camp Molly. I think we'll try bowling and maybe Fernbank and/or a movie. I haven't seen Narnia yet, and although the kids have, they said they'd go again with me.

New Year's Eve

2005-12-31T18:40:00.000-05:00

So, it's NY's Eve, and i'm hope with the kids. It's pretty quiet, we've been fed and Lucky is sleeping on the couch behind me. I've been writing a bit today. All of the difference facets of my life that demand attention. I don't have enough time, energy, and money to do everything. So, i've taken time today to write down some of those things, and see what i should focus on in the coming year. It's taking awhile. I'm writing them down in a semi-outline format and then going back and taking each question and examining it...and asking questions - in some detail and writing down the answers that have been coming from within. Also, i've been practicing with a pendulum as a cross reference. I've used the pendulum before, and have noted that there seems to be a percentage of discrepancy - so things change.

One of the first things we have decided to do tomorrow is have a family meeting...
to discuss some of our wishes and hopes for the coming year, set some goals and boundaries, and then the plan is to check in on how we are doing once a month...and revise as needed.

We have some sparklers to celebrate the new year, and some movies too. I enjoy the quiet time with the kids. I'll also do a burning bowl ceremony and ask them if they want to do it with me. We'll write down the things we want to release in our lives and what we want to bring in and burn it in a shell with some white sage. It's a nice little ritual.

Happy New Year

Something Doesn't Feel Right

2005-12-27T16:27:00.000-05:00

I'm supposed to be getting ready for dinner with my family.
Something doesn't feel quite right.
Maybe it's me.
It's my parent's anniversary. My siblings decided at the last minute to get them a nice digital camera for a present. . . but they decided without me. Okay, i'm okay with that...mostly.

My brother is in from LA. I thought he would be more laid back than he has been. I'm sure traveling can be stressful. I know it can be for me. Yesterday i spent the day making lasagna dinner for everyone. It took hours to get everything done. The table conversation was stressful. I hope tonight we can having meaningful conversation that is dialed down a few notches on the stress-o-meter. My parents are taking us to one of the best restaurants in the city tonight. I'm supposed to wear "the bracelet". It's one of the most beautiful pieces of jewelry i've ever seen. Better than what's in Harry Winston's NY store. I know. I went to look in the store last summer.

My outlook on the whole scenario is layered - and therefore somewhat conflicted. One part of me is excited to be dressing up and going out to a restaurant that has provided some of the most enjoyable meals i have ever experienced. Nice. Celebrating my parent's marriage of 45 years. Extra nice. Maybe that's all there has to be. But, on the other hand, it's extravagant. And there are so many people out there who don't have anything.
.....and i'm not sure if i'll enjoy myself if i have to walk on eggshells and bite my tongue.

Tonight, my friend Joanna is having conversation cinema at her store. It's a movie i'd like to see, but i won't be able to go. sometimes being my authentic self is easier with friends than with my family. i wonder why that is.

Happy Holidays!

2005-12-23T15:34:00.000-05:00