Treatise on Love IV - The Divine Within

So, as i turn inwards to find the Divine Within, i undoubtedly move into a place where there is a reflection on the outside. The Inner Divine seeks to become clearer and more defined, and seemingly, the outward choices i am asked to make become the testing ground for clarity.

Finding and trusting the Inner Divine has been an ongoing process. The clarity comes in uncovering more truths about my own process through the interactions with others and observation. For example, in order to uncover the Inner Divine, i find i must be brutally honest with what i am feeling within and examining how and if this is serving me. The last part i was able to uncover had to do with my goals and whether or not i have the inner strength to keep up with the unerring push towards that ideal. Is my old concept of the ideal merely a fantasy around which my life situations mirror? This seems to be the case just now. I entered into a situation where i was given the gift of meeting someone who is able to communicate their desires and fantasy to me, i suppose in hopes that i would be able to help them realize them. I was forced to look at my own fantasy and expectations. The gift was being able to see that my fantasy has been a pattern reflected in each and every possible relationship i have ever been attracted to - and most of the time undermined any realism. And that's just it...a fantasy. Now, too, i was able to see where my fantasy became involved and quite detailed, leaving not too much room for spontaneity.

There seems to be no guarantee, and to keep expending energy in the direction of the ideal and/or fantasy has lead me to a place where i cannot see where change for the betterment of myself or others is being made. Maybe i'm too close to see it. Perhaps spending my energy on losing weight or changing my hair color is a more worthy, tangible, albeit materialistic goal.

Aaackkk...

this reminds me of a story about Saint Theresa, as she walked on a very muddy, rainy night, raising her fist to the heavens and saying something like, "if this is how you treat your Friends, no wonder you don't have many!" ...