Ash

It's hard to describe in words the things that have transpired inside me lately. There definitely have been some outside influences - especially with my kids and ex that have challenged my outlook.

There's another aspect of this place i had recently found myself in. It was a sort of internal crisis, which, thankfully, seems to be resolving. I found myself in one of the most foul moods I have ever been in. Beyond anger and frustration, this was deep. The only way I could describe it to my friend, Joanna, was to tell her this:
"...that I feel like I woke up and the rose colored glasses were gone and everything has turned to ash."

When examining why I was feeling this way, I could find no final answer. It became an exercise just to sit with myself and try to let whatever come up surface to be looked at. The pestilence of the world, and how i have found myself fighting it in my own way. The feelings of betrayal, futility, and other more moribund issues surfaced and I was at a point in time when I could let them. Of course, I wanted to blame something or someone. However, perhaps I've done a bit more internal spiritual work to know that that's not necessarily the case. These things are there. What we do as individuals or as a society to move to a more humane life, is up to us.

There is an opinion that what goes on inside is reflected on the outside. Perhaps it happens the other way, too. How we deal with it, perhaps, makes the difference.