Anger

Lately, I have been overwhelmed by the goings on in my life.

There has been a lot of anger in my feelings, and I have been having an interesting time processing it all. Part of me wants to figure out why I am having these intense feelings. Mostly, though, I found myself just observing those feelings as best as I can - using an approach used in Sufism and Ipsalu tantra - of switching my attention to being the observer. In other words, I observe myself feeling angry. This works to help me get out of whatever place I'm in. A sort of detachment and different perspective begin to form alongside the anger.

Anger, in general, is really not a very socially acceptable emotion in our culture. When I was a child (over 3 or so, I guess), it was deemed inappropriate to "act out" emotions that were considered negative. We didn't talk about anger, we didn't raise our voices, we didn't hit, scream or anything. I remember being asked to redirect my energy into something more "positive", like sweeping the walk or pulling weeds.
That type of activity might prove to help put overt anger on simmer, but the core of what the anger was rising from never got addressed or expressed.

Lately, when looking at the issues and accompanying emotions, I feel that meditation seems to be the most productive way for me to see what might be causing the emotional disturbance. The anger I was feeling seemed righteous, and when I sat with it and really paid attention to it, the visualization I was able to perceive, was it oozing out of me. Almost like a wound that lets out the bad puss and then perhaps can heal. Meditation and observation was a very nice way for me to give myself space, not alienate my friends and family too much, and sit with my emotions and give myself permission to look and feel what was going on. I also screamed into the pillow a couple of times. Last weekend, I burned a lot of brush in the yard, and consciously threw some of my frustration into the fire. This process, which I'm trying to express in words now, took about two weeks.

Fortunately, most of the anger has passed, but what has taken it's place is a sense of emptiness and perhaps detachment from hope that something or someone is going to appear to make it all better. I've come to the conclusion that the only one who can make the changes or choices - at least the changes and choices that can be made - is me. Some things are beyond my control. Yes, the sense of destiny is strong within me, but I don't want to succumb to the thought or belief that the decisions I am able to make don't make a difference. I believe that they do make a difference, so I am striving to make the best decisions I can based on the information I have at the time.

I can be an impulsive person (aries venus), and I have learned to be more patient - especially when I can recognize that my emotions are coloring my perspective. I need to give myself time to recognize that things happen for different reasons - and I don't have to make decisions right away...there is usually a window of time to look at options.

That's quite a diversion from the anger subject. But maybe anger in time and with patience turns into something quite bittersweet. For me, it has become another stepping stone to maturity.