Ode to Billy

Since i am in a place where i need to do some innerwork, i need to start at the beginning of my first recollection of my personal relationships and my relationship with the divine. My intention is to use witness consciousness as i write this, to free myself from the emotional undertone that this story carries for me.

Billy and i were best friends. He was about my age and my next door neighbor, too. I knew him since we were babies, and my first remembrance of him was when we were about four. We pretty much played together everyday, and one day i asked him if he would marry me. He looked at me and asked me, "do you love me?". I looked back, and answered, "it's not about love". He looked a little confused and said, "what is it about?" "It's about doing whatever God wants me to do.", i answered. "oh", said Billy. Then, a few minutes later, he looked at me and said, "How do you know God wants me to do the same thing?" I was amazed and didn't have an answer. A few days later, Billy and i were playing again. He had changed. We looked at each other and i knew he knew something, but couldn't talk about it. A few months later, Billy ended up in the hospital with a brain tumor. I had wanted to go to the hospital and bring him a turtle for company, but my parents said i was too young. Not long after that, Billy died.

Billy, i don't know whether to thank you or not for remembering that there is a "divine", or to thank you for showing me that the divine has different plans for everyone. In a way, our four-year-old minds weren't so full of everyone else's thoughts and we were still able to speak from an authentic place with each other. Thank you for being a true and honest friend. There's been more than one time when i've wished you were still around. i guess part of my path since you left was having to learn about what love can be...the beauty and bliss and the pain and loss.