Limiting Thought Patterns

Friday afternoon i started going down. Something happened and i just started being emotional and couldn't put the brakes on it. It was a little thing, really, but the deepness where i felt it caused real grief for me. Here's the story behind it:

Max worked hard blowing leaving, stacking firewood and other odd jobs for my parents in order to earn money to buy me a holiday present. On Christmas morning he presented me with a certificate to get a mani-pedi at the place where i have been going for the past 20 years. I was so touched. He even put on that he had added a tip. Although he has made me gifts before, this is the first one i can remember that he has worked for money in order to spend on me. I put the certificate with my other gifts so that it would not be lost. However, when we got home from my parents (we were doing gifts there) - i couldn't find the certificate. I have looked everywhere i can think of. I told my family the next day. They didn't know where it was. I have started cleaning the house and still can't find it. Finally, I called Cathy, the owner of the nail salon and told her. She remembered Max coming in...but she wouldn't accept that i had lost or misplaced the certificate. She won't honor it unless i can produce the piece of paper. I was devastated. I went through these horrible thoughts about myself and how i am careless, not responsible, and inappreciative. I know that i am not these things...well, at least most of the time. I went deep into the hole on this one. How over the years, times i have been inappreciative of gifts, how men work hard for what they give (and women too). After i felt i had reached a calmer place, i saged the house and took a bath and went to bed. The next day, i felt much better. I had another bout with something similar to this last week. Things are starting to come up through meditation for me. This subject had to do with being a "weak link", or "not good enough". These are very old, self sabotaging thought patterns. I have found that if these come up and and can be detached and use witness consciousness with them, there is a deep clearing that can happen. I have found that if there isn't some interaction triggering the emotion for me (like losing the certificate), processing through these limiting, old thought patterns goes a bit quicker, but perhaps are not as deep. I've learned that it's better to let it out than hold it in. I've also learned to be more compassionate with myself as i go into the hole; and if i am, i tend to emerge more quickly. I'm grateful for my friends who understand and are supportive of me working through this type of shift. Shift happens.

Well, i guess it was a good purge. I still haven't told max that i can't find the certificate, and i don't know if i will. Maybe i'll find it someday...but i can't imagine where it flew off to. I do feel better about the whole situation, though.

Yesterday i was productive in cleaning the house, taking a walk with the dog, getting some essential shopping done, and then enjoyed a dinner out and with three of my girlfriends. I had fun and things fell a bit back into perspective.