Writing about Frustration

I need to get my daily quotient of writing in today. I need to take some deep breaths, too.

Today has been nice, but frustrating. My friend, Tony, came over to chat and visit. My friend Shoshi called, and i hadn't seen her in a long time. Sam was difficult, since he is over tired. Max stayed out of everyone's way and was generally good natured. Not me. Last night i started in on the emotion "anger". Seething, more likely. Mostly in my mind and thoughts. Definitely not the kind of thoughts i would want to act on. Good thing last year's resolution was to learn to "respond not react". I explored the anger a little more today. Sabotaging creativity, to be sure. Anger takes a lot of energy, but interestingly enough, i seemed to gain some energy from this anger.

At first, when i got really angry, i could feel it at the base of my spine and shoot upwards. That was pretty cool. Not what i expect from kundalini, but it felt cleansing, in a way. Today i used the energy to do cooking. I chopped a lot of onions and other veggies to make a big pot of vegetable soup, a big pot of chili and stir fry....two loads of laundry and some - but not enough - clean up. Bathed the dog and read to Sam for two hours, since i took the t.v. away today.

I am in a saturn opposition. Lots of stuff is coming up. I spent some time on the phone this weekend with my friend, Dan, who is a cool astrologer. He pointed out some things to me about my chart and my old boyfriend's chart. That pretty much clinched it for me. I could actually see - visualize - the issues and energetics that aren't going to change and something clicked and made sense. No way that's going to work long term. He was right. I don't like being wrong, but i am getting used to it.

Dolphin Breathwork/Meditation

Yesterday's Dolphin Breathwork brought me into a very sweet space. I am grateful that i made it down to Decatur/Candler Park for the workshop. Although my sense of direction was off, i finally made it there after two phone calls. My friend, Ian, who was facilitating the workshop told me that half of the people who had signed up cancelled the hour before the workshop. I looked at him and told him i could understand why. My hunch was that these people started processing their emotions/stuff before the workshop and then felt horrible. That's essentially what i think happened to me. The friend who asked me to go with her to this backed out right before the workshop...but i've done just enough workshops to know that if i stuck with it, i would have the opportunity to move that energy through.

The Dolphins apparently use 100% of their lung capacity. The premise is that dolphins have emotions just like we do, but that they move through them quickly and move on. By using different types of breathing methods (i.e., circular breathing, belly breathing), the tool that was imparted was that if i was still enough, and remembered to breathe, i could essentially feel a vast range of emotions in each breath. By doing that, the premise is that we don't "get stuck" in any one emotion....like i was stuck in sadness yesterday (although i would cycle in and out of sadness, it wasn't always a quick cycle and release).

There were six participants (3 men and 3 women), a facilitator and two assistants. Everyone is encouraged to stay within their own process. Honoring one's own process and letting whatever come, come during the experience. There was quite a bit of coaching, and guided meditation - especially towards the end of the exercise. During the exercises, i reached points that i felt like i no longer wanted or needed to breathe. I'm mentioned this before in other posts. I made sure that i was present and conscious and mostly kept my eyes open during these times and was very aware. Perhaps it was just an interesting perception of time and i was breathing - just very slowly. during those periods, my body felt no pain or distress, and my mind was calm and clear. I was present to the assistants coaching me in recalibrating my breaths, which was helpful. i was very focused on my body and the intention to "play" and be present.

Overall, it was a very sweet experience - one i'd like to have again.

A Difficult Day

I'm having a difficult day. Nothing is really wrong, and i'm not in physical pain, but there's something i'm having difficulty with. I feel really, really sad. Sometimes i wonder if there's a way for me to look at things differently to make myself feel better. I made jewelry, i sold jewelry, a read my cherag materials, i took a walk. i'm planning on going to Dolphin Breath meditation and to a dance party at my friend's house. I feel like shit. the tears just keep coming. i wonder if i'll be able to release whatever this is during the breath workshop. i don't know. i thought of a poem on my walk and i got the impression to write it down. i might have forgotten it, but maybe it will just come out of my fingers...

You told me you were thirsty,
You wanted me to give you a drink.
I asked you if you would do the same for me.
You hesitated.
You think what you have to offer me isn't good enough.
Do you realize that the bitter wine quenches the thirst
Just as well as the sweet?

Ten Minutes

I have ten minutes to write this morning. i wrote some last night, but that was in one of my diaries. I have several books that i write in. Just as background, i have several notebooks full of writings...several notebooks on dreaming and dreams that i've had. Not every dream, but some of them. I also have a notebook full of paper with words on it from when i did the Artist's Way during my divorce. i did that writing exercise to help myself recover from that divorce. Then, i have one or two books of gratitude. I did those writing exercises from doing Simple Abundance. I had to think of at least five things that i was grateful for every day. That helped me go from The Artist's Way, when i was sighing on each and every page and deep in despair and depression and in recuperation from a breakdown. Looking back i, i know i had to do it...meaning, i had to get the divorce to be a healthier person, but making that decision and actually following through with it caused innumerable pains.

However, the Simple Abundance writing practice helped me get back up. I was able to write down all of the doom and gloom and then practice writing happy, or at least grateful things. Not of the things i am grateful for are happy things. For instance, some of my hardest lessons have not been the most happy ones, but i am grateful for them nonetheless. They have made me into the person i am today. My perception is that it's a stronger, more self-assured, and definitely more self-reliant and resilient me. Hopefully, i've been able to do that without incurring the armoring that goes along with the knocks that life imparts.

So, i've written for about half the time. The goal is to just keep writing and see what comes out. Sometimes i think it just flows from the fingers, other times, it just is inside and is ready to come out. I'm really enjoying reading my bath book, Writing Down The Bones. It's good stuff.

I'm looking forward to this weekend, but it seems like with my new job, i don't have the time i need to complete and even continue projects that i have. I am woefully behind on my Cherag writing, and hope that this writing exercise will inspire me to finish that project quickly. I have not been able to sit down and make jewelry since the holidays. I used to get a lot of pleasure from doing that. Now, it seems, there just isn't enough time. I had plans to paint Sam's bedroom. Now, i'm wondering if i should just hire someone to get it done, although i think it would be a great project for us to do together. The time just slips away....

Speaking of time, i'm just about up for my ten minute writing session. Next is a quick shower, get Max on the bus, call Joanna and sit in morning meditation for 10-20 minutes and then go to work.
ciao.

Spiritual Writing Assignments

During my class, Carl said that if we could write every day, even one sentence, that would be good. After a few months, we'd have a few pages. Really. Maybe Haiku.

I just got out of my evening bath. My time alone. I have a new bath book - since that's where i do my best reading. I used to do spiritual practices in the bath, but now i do them on my way to work. Usually. My new bath book is a book on writing. Writing Down The Bones. I'll have to add it to my reading list on the blog. Anyways, while i was sitting in the bath, i had an idea. Then, i had the impression to come and write. So here i am. writing. my homework. Cooling down. maybe.

So, the thought that came to mind was:

Osho wrote the book,
So what more do i have to say?

Well, apparently, plenty. That's what's the impression, anyways. Secrets. I was having an imaginary conversation with my old boyfriend. My friend, Miera called me tonight to explain that he had called to RSVP to her dance party this weekend. I had RSVPed many weeks back, when the first invite came out. She deferred to me, however, and explained that if there was a problem, she'd rather have me at the party than miss it because he was planning to be there.

hmmm. Very sweet. Some of my friends have not been so forthcoming or caring about my feelings pertaining to that relationship. Ah, so, one of the things i have learned along the way is that a lot of people, and i mean A LOT, definitely fill their needs before they think of how their actions might affect others. Not that they should be held accountable for other's feelings, but apparently, most people ACT from their feelings. Luckily, a lot of people are numbed by various things...t.v., alcohol, addictions, self-absorption, even spirituality. i should know. i'm not immune.

What's next, i don't know. i'm just writing off the cuff. It's something that's been on my mind anyways. I guess that's it for tonight.

Spiritual Writing with Carl McColeman

I signed up and attended the first of five writing classes last night. Our first in-class assignment was to spend a few minutes and i'll share what i did here. We were asked to write about...

"If you are to have a conversation with your voice, what would it say"

me: Tell me what you'd like to express

Voice: Well, you're asking for a lot, but there's more than you've drempt(ed) possible. This voice can go on for hours and what of what might be expressed will be very triggering to you and others.

me: would you consider that a healing mechanism?

Voice: Well, yes, of course. It can be and will be and has been very healing. It can be a good outlet for vindictive thoughts or other culturally non-supported venturings into an altered way of expression and thinking.

me: What purpose would there be?

Voice: There doesn't have to be a purpose. It can just be. For now,

me: Would it be like an unfolding?

Voice: Even giving it that would presupposed an outcome, where having voice or giving voice an outlet doesn't necessarily have a purpose that you or anyone else can validate.

me: Is there a chance that I could publish the musing that come from or are emitted by letter the voice speak?

Voice: Well, yes, there are unlimited possibilities and as i said- it could be beyond your wildest dreams.

me: I just had the impression of other being with me helping these voice out - or adding to that voice.

Voice: When you use the voice - that could be true. It could be an externallization of an internal dialogue that some people may refer to as out-side agents.

me: Are they outside or inside?

Voice: It doesn't matter. It's the same One.

me: That sounds like a belief structure.

Voice: The beliefs you have will or can be changed by allowing the Voice to be heard or write.

me: Should I share this?

(end of allotted writing time)

Aquarium Adventure

Yesterday, the boys and i went to the new aquarium.
We had a good time. i tend to not enjoy large crowds, so we went early (before 9 a.m.) to get in and get our tickets and passes. The kids got annual passes as gifts for the holidays, and i bought one for me - so i could take them.

The lines were long, but moved quickly. It was sold out...and somewhat difficult to get tickets. I had called back the first week in January for them.

It's done very well, and very majestic and surprising how much they have. The Beluga whales are very sweet looking. The jelly fish are really cool, especially since colored lights make them appear different colors.

The coral reef is wonderful and it's very cool to look up and see fish swimming above!
We didn't stay too long, since they were letting in about 750 people every hour. Sam's favorite part was being able to touch the stingrays and little sharks. We could also touch shrimp, hermit crabs (which were hiding), and star fish. We had one minor snafu when leaving. Both of my kids said they knew the way out of the aquarium - so both took off in different directions! One got lost for a brief time, but we found each other again within about 5 minutes.

Limiting Thought Patterns

Friday afternoon i started going down. Something happened and i just started being emotional and couldn't put the brakes on it. It was a little thing, really, but the deepness where i felt it caused real grief for me. Here's the story behind it:

Max worked hard blowing leaving, stacking firewood and other odd jobs for my parents in order to earn money to buy me a holiday present. On Christmas morning he presented me with a certificate to get a mani-pedi at the place where i have been going for the past 20 years. I was so touched. He even put on that he had added a tip. Although he has made me gifts before, this is the first one i can remember that he has worked for money in order to spend on me. I put the certificate with my other gifts so that it would not be lost. However, when we got home from my parents (we were doing gifts there) - i couldn't find the certificate. I have looked everywhere i can think of. I told my family the next day. They didn't know where it was. I have started cleaning the house and still can't find it. Finally, I called Cathy, the owner of the nail salon and told her. She remembered Max coming in...but she wouldn't accept that i had lost or misplaced the certificate. She won't honor it unless i can produce the piece of paper. I was devastated. I went through these horrible thoughts about myself and how i am careless, not responsible, and inappreciative. I know that i am not these things...well, at least most of the time. I went deep into the hole on this one. How over the years, times i have been inappreciative of gifts, how men work hard for what they give (and women too). After i felt i had reached a calmer place, i saged the house and took a bath and went to bed. The next day, i felt much better. I had another bout with something similar to this last week. Things are starting to come up through meditation for me. This subject had to do with being a "weak link", or "not good enough". These are very old, self sabotaging thought patterns. I have found that if these come up and and can be detached and use witness consciousness with them, there is a deep clearing that can happen. I have found that if there isn't some interaction triggering the emotion for me (like losing the certificate), processing through these limiting, old thought patterns goes a bit quicker, but perhaps are not as deep. I've learned that it's better to let it out than hold it in. I've also learned to be more compassionate with myself as i go into the hole; and if i am, i tend to emerge more quickly. I'm grateful for my friends who understand and are supportive of me working through this type of shift. Shift happens.

Well, i guess it was a good purge. I still haven't told max that i can't find the certificate, and i don't know if i will. Maybe i'll find it someday...but i can't imagine where it flew off to. I do feel better about the whole situation, though.

Yesterday i was productive in cleaning the house, taking a walk with the dog, getting some essential shopping done, and then enjoyed a dinner out and with three of my girlfriends. I had fun and things fell a bit back into perspective.

Restless

I'm restless. I have tons to do, but don't seem able to focus on any one thing for very long. What's up? Well, maybe it's having four boys running around all day...i don't know.

Part of it is that my routine has been altered, and not exactly the way i would have it. i.e., not enough exercise, washing machine malfunctions, too much television on in the house, no regular meditation, not allowing myself booty calls. Hmmm. Maybe it's just frustration and a bit of stir crazy from being inside too much. . . finishing up my end-of-year business stuff, etc.

Well, i've had this before. Usually it shows up more in the spring time. I get the urge to move somewhere. Sell the house, get out of dodge. Usually it just passes. I used to have a friend who would get it around the same time as me. We'd binge together. Usually, during the year, we would walk together - in a work-out kind of way. Then, one day in the spring, we'd look at each other and then that was it. I'd usually go get a bottle of Tangeray and tonic or we'd go someplace and sit outside and sip many margaritas (ta-kill-ya) (within walking distance). Those days have been long gone... aaahhh, youth.

Maybe i'm just wondering what's next in store. There's really no drama in my life right now - or if there is, it's something i'm in denial about. I'm not up for fighting or looking for a cause. People with causes seem to always want to win. . . and have win/lose mentalities. More duality.
I'd rather see a win/win/no-deal format. Who knows how to do that here in Atlanta? Anyone want to practice conscious communication?

I'm in the process of working on my Cherag studies. Perhaps just focusing on that and getting things put away should be enough to keep me busy over the next few weeks. Sometimes i wish the universe would just give me a job. Those kind of jobs don't usually pay anything, but hey, at least i feel there is a purpose. Maybe my new job is to be purpose-less. Learning how to live with What Is isn't as easy as it sounds...to me.

New Year Goals

Lots of people make New Year's resolutions. It's a historical thing. I read about it here - the history of New Year. Like everything, the dates have changed over the years and while we have such a limited scope to think that the possibility for more changes is limited, i would suggest that history would prove otherwise.

New Year's Eve day and yesterday, i spent reviewing what's going on in my life. The different areas of concentration of energy and time: family, work, relationships, crafts, spirituality, diet & exercise. Interestingly enough, some of these areas warrant more energy and some less than i have been expending upon them recently. During the year, i like to do something new, learning something new and take a class or get involved in some way. This year, writing came up. Oddly enough (or not) i had just seen an advertisement for a class on Monday nights which caught my interest. It's also at a time that's convenient for me, so that will be my next adventure. It may prove to help me finish what I've already started, and may open doors to more.

I facilitated our first family meeting last night. Whew. We covered a lot - without the TV on! We covered allowable t.v., computer/X-box, chores, allowance, vacations and camps. There were some divergent ideas on what is acceptable for each of these, but i think we are off to a good start.

This week, the kids are out of school and i'm watching two of their friends most of the week. . . Camp Molly. I think we'll try bowling and maybe Fernbank and/or a movie. I haven't seen Narnia yet, and although the kids have, they said they'd go again with me.